LordLexx posted a comment on Wednesday 25th December 2019 8:16am for The Fall of Azkaban

I think your realism is broken here. Moody would never assault Voldemort with 3 people and 2 elves. Guerilla tactics, sure. Direct assault, no.

Kairan1979 posted a comment on Thursday 21st May 2015 2:55pm for The Fall of Azkaban

So the Azkaban had fallen and the Order lost half of its competent fighters. All because Dumbledore's habit of hoarding the knowledge. No doubt Harry will see it as another of Old Man' failures.

As for Coedus, just like Aurors he is trying to bite more than he can chow.

Aurilia posted a comment on Thursday 23rd July 2009 8:57am for The Fall of Azkaban

As I'm beginning to expect from this particular fic, entertaining and unique.

fyrecat posted a comment on Thursday 18th December 2008 2:40pm for The Fall of Azkaban

Yikes! Vamps!

Another excellent chapter, as always!

Thanks!

JBern replied:

Plus, I didn't want to do the super-cool I'm better than wizards vampires!   Those stories annoy me.

Jeffrey Meehan posted a comment on Tuesday 9th December 2008 4:00pm for The Fall of Azkaban

Dude, what did Tonks do to you I mean my god that is just plain disturbing.

JBern replied:

Absolutely nothing.   It's just the way the story  was being written.~Jim

Minerva Granger posted a comment on Monday 27th October 2008 2:34pm for The Fall of Azkaban

This chapter is fascinating, but I still have to say Oh SHIT aobut the Vampire wanting to turn Harry!

JBern replied:

Glad you liked it.~Jim

Chunky posted a comment on Monday 6th August 2007 9:10am for The Fall of Azkaban

Much better (than having someone running screaming etc.) But you describe unimportant meat too much. In your fic, people die. Even highly popular Canon-Chars die. So, don't bother describing the sheep that are slaughtered. Describe the important things, and do it good XD

Your Dark Lord is most entertaining. That's a guy one might consider to follow. Nice guy, a bit crazy, but cool enough. Though I don't know if I can forgive you for Tonks. I happen to like this character :P

--Chunky

JBern replied:

Thanks for the review and the criticsm.   I appreciate it.   Hopefully, you continued to read on past this point.   Chapter 37 will be up shortly.~Jim

M. R. Moore posted a comment on Sunday 10th December 2006 4:03pm for The Fall of Azkaban

Well apart from messing up the name of the roman short sword (it's a gladius not a glaive, sorry but Roman warfare is a passion of mine), this was good chapter.

JBern replied:

One of these days I am going to remember to fix that!   Thanks for reminding me.   I'll do it right now.~Jim

There it is fixed now!

Rudy Henkel posted a comment on Friday 1st December 2006 5:03pm for The Fall of Azkaban

This is a really good story, but it's become just a little too dark and depressing for me to continue... I certainly plan to continue reading Bungle in the Jungle though!

JBern replied:

Sorry you feel that way.   Staying true to my idea of writing a gritty and realistic version of a wizarding war may cost me a few readers, just like Bungles use of second person, but I need to write the story for me first and the readers second.   You will be happy to know that chapter 15 of bungle was just posted.~Jim

Aaran St Vines posted a comment on Tuesday 14th November 2006 6:43am for The Fall of Azkaban

An exhaustive sacking of Azkaban. Thorough and inspired.

Amazing set up for the slowly progressing love life of Harry and Susan.

Interesting vampire introduction. Codeus HAS to be related to Neville.

Cheers!

JBern replied:

Coedus will be around.   I actually have him penned in as an instructor at Hogwarts for the coming year.   That reminds me I need to get back to him in chapter 26.~Jim

Sterling posted a comment on Sunday 12th November 2006 7:37pm for The Fall of Azkaban

I don't have much to say other then, well done.

I am really enjoying your takes on some of fandom's cliches.

JBern replied:

Thanks.   The rest of the chapters up to 25 should be up this week.   If you can't wait that long visit ficwad or ff.net to catch up to my current progress.~Jim

HermioneGreen posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 6:04pm for The Fall of Azkaban

A most intriguing story you are telling. I like the way the relationship is developing between harry and Susan. I look forward to finding out what happens to Coedus when he tries to attack harry, after all . . . Neville *has* promised the support of the Full Longbottom family . . . Keep up the good work

Thanks for sharing

'Mione

JBern replied:

Glad you enjoyed it.   I just finished posting a new chapter of my other story and now should be able to catch up on this one.~Jim

Bedrup posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 12:30pm for The Fall of Azkaban

I ´ve decided to reread this story, even though I ´ve already rean it on ff.net. I ´ve yet to regret that decission. I actually needed a reminder or two. Great work.

JBern replied:

Thanks!   I appreciate your comments.   The rest of the current chapters will be up here soon - improved by some additional betaing.~Jim

Quizer posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 11:34am for The Fall of Azkaban

I don't particularly like how you made Susan act in the middle of this chapter. I can stomach it better than Ginny's outburst earlier, but I still think it was gratuitious. You have portrayed Susan as very mature and level-headed so far, so it wouldn't be unbelievable for her not to act this way, even if everything gets to be a bit much all at once.

The whole 'jumping to conclusions' thing is one of the shittiest clichés ever invented, and you executed it particularly poorly as well. If you expect the reader to accept and understand such a scene, you had better show at length what goes on in Susan's head at that particular point in time and make it believable. As it is, the whole thing is over in a matter of paragraphs, Susan already regretting it when she mounts her broom. So what was the point of it? Maybe you wanted to show that she has 'flaws', too, but in my opinion, this is an exceedingly poor way to do it.

I don't hate the complete chapter; there are small things in there I liked: Voldemort sending his minions out of the chamber before engaging Moody & co., since he knows they can't touch him - this is a great way to show that Voldemort is a competent leader who doesn't squander his assets. I liked the destruction of the dementors, even if the super patronus isn't terribly inspired or original. At least it wasn't golden.

However, it is extremely obvious that you have some plot to follow and the characters don't get a particularly large say in how the story unfolds. The key to writing a good story is to make it seem that the characters act on their own motivations and free will and still end up where you want them.


Quizer

JBern replied:

In defense of Susan, she spent the night fighting dementors, got a boyfriend, a proposal and saw dead bodies all in the course of a few hours.   She's strong but not without fault.

I've been around enough teenagers who are willing to jump to a conculsion on a sentence misspoken.   There are instances where the story goes into Susan's thought process.   I look forward to seeing your critique, but I reject your opinion that it was poorly done.   Nor do I believe that I used a crowbar to force my characters into their roles.~Jim

Quizer posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 11:02am for The Fall of Azkaban

I do not like what you are doing with Voldemort in this chapter, specifically his 'interaction' with the good guys. Many things are just designed to evoke an emotional response in the reader and show off how evil Voldemort is, and I deeply resent having my feelings toyed with. The whole episode was largely unnecessary from a plot point of view. We know how evil Voldemort is from the books already, thank you very much. Having him kill off Moody and Kingsley in a sadistic manner and raping Tonks (especially this!) isn't necessary for that.

Bob and Alyx's 'Sunset/Sunrise over Britain' series is also very dark, but it hasn't that gratuitious feel to it and always seems to be related to the plot. They also don't first give us hope and then let the reader suffer helplessly along, knowing already the characters are going to fail and still have to watch it. I vastly prefer the 'someone running into the room saying Azkaban has been overrun' solution over this, thank you very much.

Honestly, how do you expect a reader to witness this and then expect them to slide into the proper mood to enjoy the Harry/Susan mushyness in the scene immediately afterwards?

Why didn't Tonks and co. just leave?! Tonks already correctly realized that the island is nothing but a bunch of rocks - why risk their lives on it? Why didn't they leave after it became clear that there's nothing left to save on the island? Don't tell me it's because of the apparition wards. If they went in per portkey, then they will damn well have packed return portkeys, and those will be in easily accessible locations that would enable Tonks to use it even while in the grasp of the statue.

I'm also not buying paranoid old Mad-Eye giving himself serious chances taking out Voldie, after Dumbledore failed at the Ministry. You don't get to be a grizzled combat veteran if you have delusions of grandeur of this magnitude.

As of now, this story has taken a decidedly sour turn for me. I'll look forward to hearing your reasons for doing all that you did.


Quizer

JBern replied:

I disagree on so many levels with you.   You have a tiny hint of the canon version of Voldemort.   I refer to the canon version as the psychotic throne humper.   He's a crucio throwing maniac and I see no valid reason why anyone would follow him.

You have no idea about my version of Voldemort.   He is as much a part of this story as Harry and Susan.   He's not the uber powerful one from most stories.   Like the rest of us, he has to work for his victories.  

Moody didn't know the prophecy.   He thought he had a chance.   Dumbledore didn't lose to Voldie at the Ministry.   I distinctly recall Voldie fleeing.   How does that constitute a loss?   He didn't and all four of them paid the price.   I don't consider the level of violence gratuitous.   It had a very specific objective.

I purposefully followed the scene with Harry and Susan.   It was more jarring that way.   I don't mind provoking reactions from my readers.   In some parts of the story, I want you to feel slightly uncomfortable.

Tonks didn't leave, because she wasn't in charge.   Anders and Moody were.   You don't abandon your teammates.

I understand you might not like the dark tones of this story.   It may not be for you.   I don't intend on changing the way I write it though.

~Jim

Quizer posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 10:29am for The Fall of Azkaban

"In this instance, it made no sense to kill the Muggleborn witches and wizards. The reality is that they don’t possess the power base. The prominent purebloods do."

I've noticed you doing this over and over, changing tenses in the middle of a sentence like this, so I finally decided to notify you. STOP DOING IT. No matter whether what you say applies not only to what happens in the story, but also in general, you DO NOT change tenses. If you write using past tense, then EVERYTHING will be in past tense, even this. I advise you to carefully go through everything you've written so far and fix it. This is among the more grating mistakes that a writer can commit, but the various instances of it are easy enough to fix. Hope you find them all!


Quizer

JBern replied:

I am the first to admit my work is far from perfect.   I make an effort to correct my mistakes, and have a beta (now two since Kokopelli ran my work through the meatgrinder - I swear the man is a machine!).   When I finally finish the story, I will go back and do my best to turn it into a polished professional piece.   Until then, if I see it or it's pointed out to me, I will do my best to fix it.

Jim

m4r13 posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 6:23am for The Fall of Azkaban

I'm not quite eloquent but I read your story on Ficwad yesterday (yes I was curious ^^). I'm not really good with reviews but I love the way your story intertwins with the life of your characters. Susan acts the way she is in cannon and she works really well with temperamental!Harry. They are working very hard to obtain what they're looking for, it's not an easy shot and you explain it very well.

Ginny is maybe a bit too out of character sometimes since for me the possession of Tom did something for her personality. She did mature a bit after it. But that's only my POV ^^ And she's good in the story.

I love the character of Percy, more complex than what we may think about him.

Narcissa is just too much fun. I was seeing her as a cold b**** before, but the way you show her is just too great.

Hope to read chapter 26 one day.

Thanks again for the way you put your words in this great story.

Marie

JBern replied:

I have just finished chapter 14 of my other story and sent it off to the betas.   I am glad you decided to check it out elsewhere.

Ginny isn't as mature as she is in other stories.   Chapter 26 should be ready by next weekend.~Jim

 

MonkeyAxman1302 posted a comment on Thursday 9th November 2006 10:47am for The Fall of Azkaban

This is such a powerful chapter, even after a second reading (first being on ff.net). Its great to see you posting on another site, especially this which is full of so many great Authors.
What Voldemort does to Tonks is awful and how quickly he takes out Moody and Kingsley is quite shocking. Very brutal and you take no prisoners when it comes to character survival.

Monkey

JBern replied:

It's an honor to be posting it on this site.   I am glad you are enjoying it on a reread.~Jim