Aurilia posted a comment on Thursday 23rd July 2009 5:04am

No one minds when Percy dies because he's against Harry in canon - it would be like trying to cry for Fudge dying. I do love how you've switched things around here, though.

Aurilia posted a comment on Thursday 23rd July 2009 4:08am

I love how you're portraying Neville and all the other characters who seem sidelined in canon and most fics. And biscuits and gravy isn't just a southern thing, ya know! It's also quite popular throughout the midwest and mountain states (pretty much everywhere a hot'n'hearty breakfast is needed when the snow blows outside)... Actually, the only places I've been to where it seems to be a rarity are larger cities on the eastern end of the midwest (Louisville, Kentucky springs to mind - I spend a week there and couldn't find that on the menus until we stopped at a tiny, little diner on our last day).

Aurilia posted a comment on Thursday 23rd July 2009 3:27am

Wow. The more I read of this, the more impressed I become. I'm enjoying how you're taking the one- or two-dimensional 'filler' characters from the Potterverse's backgrounds and fleshing them out into three-dimensional literary people. I may have said this already (I don't really recall for sure), but... Bravo.

Aurilia posted a comment on Thursday 23rd July 2009 3:05am

Applause is definitely deserved for this wonderful peek into a very plausible past for Riddle. And I love how you had him in a relationship with Misha (aside - did you know that 'Misha' is the Russian word for mouse?) - far too many people see the world in such strict shades of black and white that they fail to realize that 'evil' doesn't necessarily mean 'unable to love' or 'unaware of loyalty'; after all, even the damned can love.

Aurilia posted a comment on Thursday 23rd July 2009 2:08am

I find myself thoroughly enjoying the unwinnable argument betwixt Harry and Albus. Very rarely do I get to see a tale wherein someone has realized that neither of them are right or wrong in their opinions (which is precisely what they are). Bravo.

Aurilia posted a comment on Thursday 23rd July 2009 1:51am

This is not a horcrux story.

Thank fucking Christ for that. I loathe horcruxes (horcruces? horcruci?). My opinion of this tale just skyrocketed on that alone.

Vilkath posted a comment on Tuesday 30th June 2009 4:32pm

Not entirely sure why Harry defended Snape when he's found at the scene the attack, and maybe even caused Susan's mother or Aunt to die.. and yet not a single Order member showed up to help in the fight. Come on.. how much worse could it look?

Vilkath posted a comment on Tuesday 30th June 2009 4:16pm

Not bad though I think in the face of certian death, capture and god knows what to their daughter/niece they wouldn't be using 'ministry aproved spells'. Killing curses would come flying, I am sure head of the auror department and future minister could authorize it.

Truely voldemort's feared power seems come from people throwing 'blockable' curses at him, and he simply blocks them. He never really has to fight against unblockable spells.

Schwing posted a comment on Wednesday 17th June 2009 3:46pm

OMG! AMAZING! dude that was so well done, very realistic, you killed off SO many characters. one of the 2 best stories i've ever read (and i've read a few hundred (or at least attempted 2)) hope to see some updates on TML another great story and maybe i'll look at TLIL seems off beat and not entirely plausible (all things considered) but WTFs with Inner Eye? that's just messed should be worth a laugh. oh and again please update TML soon those battles are EPIC! sorry i need sleep.

Ph34r_n0_3V1L posted a comment on Saturday 6th June 2009 11:17am

One minor point for added realism: Galleon amounts. The Weasley's, who, while poor, somehow manage to send 5 children to Hogwarts at the same time, have trouble buying Ron a new wand for Hogwarts. The only wand we see sold in canon is Harry's which is 7 galleons. In this light, having the Black vault hold millions of galleons seems slightly absurd. A more realistic amount would be a million galleons total with extensive property and business holdings, which is where most moneyed families store their wealth.

Dalwyn posted a comment on Sunday 19th April 2009 2:37am

> Sometimes there is no difference between hero and monster.

A little foreshadowing? Heh.

I'm really enjoying the story so far. The deteriorating situation with Dumdassdore is spot on. I'm used to Harry exhibiting healthy dosages of angst, so the whirlwind with Susan feels a bit off. Perhaps we will discover that this is more end of line magic, or perhaps just rebound. I'm also waiting for Rufus to turn evil ...

DSDragon posted a comment on Sunday 1st March 2009 1:33pm

I've been reading your stories for the last week or so, and this is the first time I've had anything worthwhile to say about them. I don't mean that in a bad way--I just mean I feel kind of dumb saying nothing more than "great story."

Thoughts on the other stories:

Truthfully, I'm a Harry/Ginny shipper, but every once in a while, I'll read fic from another 'ship if it's well-thought-out and the author can make me believe whatever 'ship he or she is promoting in the story. You have accomplished that end with your Harry/Fleur and Harry/Luna stories. But part of that is because I could see where the ideas came from in canon.

Now, this story . . . I admit, I was leery about the Harry/Susan 'ship when I first started reading, especially since you have to practically make up a whole character--there's not any information in JKR's books which tells us how Susan would act in any circumstances at all. But I do like your version of Susan, and am quickly coming to like the 'ship.

Other than the leeriness about the various 'ships in your stories, the foul language actually spelled out (I prefer JKR's "______ cursed" method, as opposed to spelling out the actual words used) and the sometimes questionable grammar (thought it's better in this story than the other three), I find the stories very entertaining. Your plots especially are extremely intriguing.

I look forward to reading more, and will now finish typing this review so that I can do just that.

JBern replied:

Good points.   Darkness was my first story.   It has ups and it has downs, but I'm proud of the story.   It taught me many of the things to do and not do in a story.

I hope you continue to enjoy it.~Jim

Lathena posted a comment on Thursday 22nd January 2009 4:00am

wow. This story has a lot of the good qualities I've noticed in your other stories, but I missed the humor from the rest. Pure drama i guess. However, you manage some of the most realistic descriptions of war and how the people reacted to it, obviously your aim. I liked the pet peeves that you created in the beginning. Some where ones that had bothered me as well and others I could definitely see the validity of your points. I liked your Susan and the roll she played which was a necessary one. Many stories try to give Harry a woman who can try to fight beside him, but it would truly just distract him like his friends. I appreciated Harry's reactions to the messyness of war. Also, your three pointed triangle with Harry playing off both was cool.
One of the most unique and probably my favorite things in your stories is that when people make a horrid mistake or get caught in some terrible manipulation, they aren't automatically evil and forever hated. The situations are more complex than that. None of your character, except maybe Susan, are perfect and make no mistakes. It makes your characters more like people instead of one dimensional constructs.
Anywho, while my least favorite of your stories (so 4th) this is still several cuts above most other fanfiction out there. (this site excepted. It seems to have an unusually high percentage of fantastic stories.)

JBern replied:

Thank you for the long review.   Darkness was my "rookie" effort.   I made a lot of errors in it, but it was a learning experience for me.   The things I learned from it helped me to become a better writer.~Jim

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 9:35am

Hmmm... I guess I know what I'll be reading next! Look out 'Jungle,' here I come!

JBern replied:

You'll be getting more replies from me tomorrow when I go back through the rest of these.   Thanks again.   I do appreciate the time you take to review.~Jim

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 9:18am

HOhohohohohooo!!! A new Carpenter to lead them... Masterful! And fukt up! I love it!

One last grammar note from this chapter:

"...you are still handing a fortune..."
The expression is handing *away*, handing *over* or handing *off* or even handing *me* - the action of handing needs a destination to be logically complete.

Great writing!
Thanks for sharing.

JBern replied:

Well, I thought that was the proper conclusion to the story.   Almost makes me want to write my 19 years later epilogue...

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 7:25am

Yikes! Another wicked cliffhanger! I can't wait to read this battle!

just a few notes on editorial issues from this chapter. I have noticed a distinct improvement in your writing mechanics over the course of this story. Good job!

"Far less humorous was his losses;"
- Were his losses.
Losses is plural, so the plural form of 'was' is required.

Clever trick with the floo messages!

"I will tell you the secret of how work and more importantly how they can be beaten."
- how *they* work...

"...forbidden to all non-authorized personal."
- Personal vs personnel.
Personal = having to do with an individual person. Personnel = persons or people.

:...Ministry will be able to respond quicker..." - more quickly

"I’m not interrupting anything was I?" - Verb tense agreement - 'I'm not..am I?' -OR- 'I wasn't ... was I?'

"I asked him if I going out..." - if *me* going out...

"before he get’s lucky or the Minister gets sloppy."
- Well you're batting 500 in this sentence. You got the second one right, but threw in the inappropriate apostrophe the first time.
Apostrophes are ONLY used for 2 things.
1) To indicate missing letters (he is => he's/ they are => they're)
2) To indicate possession. (Harry's wand/ it's foot).

"I think that put more than a few in their place." - More *than* a few. 'Then' deals with time.

JBern replied:

Much of that was due to Kokopelli's beta work.   I benefitted greatly from his help.~Jim

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 5:26am

"...your minister plans to make to turn Hogsmeade into an armed camp."
- "to make to turn"-?

"Time to resume our game, don’t you not agree?" - double negative. loose one "not".

"Spinning there was broom rider landing. " - What?

"She conceded the rational for the attack while her magical vision swept to where the east of the town."

- A) "rationale" vs "rational" one is a noun, the other an adjective. You used the wrong one here. www,dictionary.comm.

- B) "...swept to where the east of the town." Huh?

try:
Swept to the east end of town.
- OR -
swept toward the east end of town.
- OR -
Swept to where the east end of town *had been*, *was ablaze*, etc. (some locative description)

"...harassing northern flank."
- harassing their northern flank.

"Scrimgeour’s "army" was getting humbling experience."
- ...A humbling experience.

"her grim look was replaced with a more predatory look."
- try not to repeat the same word twice in a sentence. ...with a more predatory *one* would be better.

Still a great story, and I'm on the edge of my seat wondering about the final outcome of this battle!

Thanks!

JBern replied:

Thanks again for the corrections.~Jim

fyrecat posted a comment on Tuesday 23rd December 2008 8:58pm

...Sooo... Does Voldie win in this story? because it looks like everyone else is too busy infighting to give him any real opposition.

JBern replied:

I did toy with letting him win...

fyrecat posted a comment on Tuesday 23rd December 2008 6:47pm

What poor spell choices Neville made! He should have been using lethal things like cutters and blasters, not bludgeoners and a stupid arrow! Even the fire was a poor choice, people survive fire all the time, but people rarely survive being bisected.
Ah well, thus ends nearly-not-lame longbottom. Too bad, I was actually starting to like Neville with a spine. He even failed to take out Pansy and Daphne. I guess once a looser, always a looser.
OH! that means his line has ended. I wonder what repercussions that will have?

JBern replied:

Glad you liked it.~Jim

Rettet181 posted a comment on Monday 22nd December 2008 8:52pm

I should have reviewed before this, but I couldn't take the time off from reading! I've read all the way up to this point in the last couple of days, and I'm completely hooked. I am a huge fan of Turn Me Loose and The Lie I've Lived and have followed those two for some time, but every time I started this story, I didn't get past the first chapter.

I could tell this was your first story; the writing just didn't have that same "umph" that everything else you wrote has. I can't explain why, really, it just didn't. Note the past tense. I can literally see your writing skills evolve and improve as this story goes on, and I love it! It's gotten progressively better, not that it was anything but great to begin with.

I should stress that. Even at the start, the story was really good. It just wasn't as incredible as I have come to expect from you. That's the problem with working backwards I guess.


Now, I have to say I love where this is going. Neville is delightfully evil, in an interesting sort of way. I can't wait to see where he ends up, I have a feeling he's losing it. Harry is also slipping into the gray. Can't wait to see what happens next!

JBern replied:

Thank you.   It was my first story and it helped me get where I am today.   I cringe when I look at the first 8 chapters of this story.   Thanks for reviewing.   I hope you enjoyed the ending.