fyrecat posted a comment on Monday 22nd December 2008 4:53pm

Shit! That's damned low. Using Harry's parents against him that way. Disgustingly brilliant.

I decided to take a few notes as I was reading to pass on to you. I probably should have been doing this since chapter 1, but oh well. If you want me to go back and edit all the chapters, let me know.

"Seconds later, he was skimming the treetops of the forbidden forest and staying low to stay out of site."
'Site' = location. Should be 'sight' = vision.

"What exactly does this ritual involved?" Should be 'involve' - it has not happened yet.

"I figure I’ll use the wall her by the steps" - here by the steps

"He didn’t realize how stress she was under." - how much stress

"Had James Potter had ever felt the same way?" - eliminate the 2nd 'had'

"...knowing it doesn’t make her immune from the heartache."
- OK, A) in this context "...didn't make her..." B) one can be immune TO something or saved FROM something. not the other way around. I'd suggest a rewording.

JBern replied:

If I weren't so busy, I'd pull this thing up and really clean it up, but I've got way too much going on right now.   Thanks for all the corrections.   I do appreciate it.~Jim

fyrecat posted a comment on Monday 22nd December 2008 2:02pm

Hmmm... I can't really say that I disagree with Voldie's manifesto. I think he's going about it the wrong way, but he certainly thought this through!

JBern replied:

Glad you liked Voldemort's manifesto.   I probably had the most fun writing articles as Rita Skeeter in this one.~Jim

fyrecat posted a comment on Monday 22nd December 2008 3:01am

I love the new and improved Neville!

JBern replied:

Yay all caught up on this story now!   Thanks for all the reviews.~Jim

fyrecat posted a comment on Sunday 21st December 2008 6:42pm

WOW! Go Bill! What a beautiful way to off that bint! If anyone deserved it, she did. I love that Snape finally got what he so richly deserved too! What a team Harry and Bill would make. Throw in the vampire and they would be truly frightening!

JBern replied:

It's a far cry from the Aimee you see in The Lie I've Lived, but I'm guessing you figured that out already.~Jim

fyrecat posted a comment on Sunday 21st December 2008 5:53pm

You truly have a gift for fight scenes!

JBern replied:

Thanks.

fyrecat posted a comment on Sunday 21st December 2008 10:17am

Uh oh, Is this he birth of Dark Lord Potter?

JBern replied:

One of the themes of this story was about losing oneself to the Darkness - the inner war.

fyrecat posted a comment on Saturday 20th December 2008 7:47pm

WOOO HOOO!!! What a ride! That's one hell of a cliffie! If I didn't know that this chapter was only 1/2 way through the story I'd be DYING! This on top of still being injured from the fight with Hagrid ought to leave a mark.
This story is AWESOME!

There are lots of little grammar and spelling errors throughout the whole story so far. Too numerous to bring up in this space.
I'd say run it through the spell and grammar checker to start.
2 frequent errors I have noticed are inappropriate use of the ('s) an apostrophe is not used when simply pluralizing.
Also there are frequent misuses of homonyms. there/their, then/than etc. A grammar checker might not catch those...
If you need an editor I'd be willing.

Thanks again for an AWESOME story!

Fyrecat
Fyrecat@hotmail.com

JBern replied:

Thanks.   To be honest, I don't reread this story.   I know there are all kinds of little errors inside it and it would only frustrate me to reread it.

I might take you up on that editing offer, but at the moment, I am more interested in moving forward rather than backward, if you know what i mean.

Regards,

Jim

fyrecat posted a comment on Saturday 20th December 2008 6:26pm

Awesome combat scene! I'm sad that Hagrid died though. But what a way to go! If only Harry had been there too... ah well.

JBern replied:

Thanks.~Jim

fyrecat posted a comment on Friday 19th December 2008 8:54am

Great fight scenes as always!

thanks!

JBern replied:

Thanks.   Wanted to do something with Susan and give her a  moment to "shine" as it were.

fyrecat posted a comment on Friday 19th December 2008 4:16am

NICE!!! LOL! - a little bit 'Deus ex Machina' but still very amusing!

JBern replied:

Percy returning was a good moment in the story.   I thought I set it up pretty well with the oath he swore and no one saw it coming.

fyrecat posted a comment on Thursday 18th December 2008 2:40pm

Yikes! Vamps!

Another excellent chapter, as always!

Thanks!

JBern replied:

Plus, I didn't want to do the super-cool I'm better than wizards vampires!   Those stories annoy me.

fyrecat posted a comment on Thursday 18th December 2008 12:28pm

Great Chapter! I love Harry's patronus!

JBern replied:

Thanks.

fyrecat posted a comment on Thursday 18th December 2008 10:49am

Hmm. Interesting take on the potters. and I LOVE the inspired Peter angle. It's hilarious that he got the ideas from a motivational speaker, one that he killed, no less! Hilarious!

JBern replied:

Peter definitely makes the story more enjoyable.   I caught a lot of flack for how Lily was portrayed here.   Normally, it's always James that's that real b-tard.

fyrecat posted a comment on Thursday 18th December 2008 9:22am

Again, I must say sow much I am truly enjoying this reality-based version of the Potterverse!
Thanks so much!

JBern replied:

Thanks.

fyrecat posted a comment on Thursday 18th December 2008 7:45am

I love it. I think that, in a similar situation to Percy, I'd have committed suicide - just to spite them all. After all ,what does he care if his core self destructs, he's going to die anyway!
Love the games idea too. There is a new and original wizarding game in the fic I'm toying with too.

JBern replied:

A far different version of Penny Clearwater than the one in Lie.   You'll note that it was all about the choices she made, since I used the same backstory.

fyrecat posted a comment on Thursday 18th December 2008 5:04am

I like it. It's really nice to see more of the lives of the background characters. This story seems more 'real' than any of the others I have read. Your characters are real people dealing with the situations that life has forced upon them.
This fic has the best characterizations of any I have read. Even real published and marketed books. I'm very impressed!

Thanks for sharing!

JBern replied:

I really wanted to do a "real" version of a wizarding war and try to make it Saving Private Ryan meets HP.   Bungle was my attempt at Indiana Jones meets HP.

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 17th December 2008 6:00pm

Very nice. This is the first rational explanation I have ever seen offered for Dumbledore's actions. Well done!

JBern replied:

Thanks.   I hate those one sided arguments where Harry (usually) completely dominates Dumbledore.

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 17th December 2008 5:25pm

Oooooh! Nice. I really like the realistic portrayal of people in this fic! Aurors who think and act like real cops, a Moldyshorts to be truly respected and feared, it's amazing!
Keep up the AWESOME work!

JBern replied:

Glad you liked it.   Hope you enjoy the rest.

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 17th December 2008 5:02pm

Very cool!
I concur with your ideas about the houses. the 'Puffs do seem to have the least going for them in the fics I have read. I really like this concept.
I also rarely have seen good descriptions of wards or battles. In the fic I'm working on, I plan to include good wards and combat sequences as well. Great minds think alike, I guess...
I'm loving this story!
Thanks

Oh, BTW. I realize that this long after finally posting you are unlikely to go back and edit, but the apostrophe (') is used ONLY when indicating possession (Susan's wand) OR to indicate left out letters in a contraction (it's, - short for "it is") .
When making something plural - years, dogs, things, etc. there is no apostrophe.

JBern replied:

Thanks.   I'm glad you enjoyed the setup to this story.   Susan was an interesting choice - I wanted to buck the trends.   Heck, imagine how many reviews this would have gotten if it was Harry/Ginny?

Jeffrey Meehan posted a comment on Wednesday 10th December 2008 10:13am

This story while creative makes me physically ill. You kill off most of the characters only to leave an ending with no sence of closure at all. I also hate your portrayls of many of the characters. Many are very shallow and present a level of sadism in their natures that has no business here.

JBern replied:

To each his own.   I set out to make saving private ryan meets HP.   I think this story sets the standard as to what a brutal wizarding war would look like.

Regards,

Jim