By JBern
Reviews
Quizer posted a comment on Monday 13th November 2006 2:31pm
Loved the aftermath. The 'Mummy Weasley' line was just priceless. I hope you'll have more moments of genius like this one.
Voldemort manipulating Tonks with basic psychology is pretty mean, but makes for a good twist that I can appreciate. Hopefully Remus can get her over her it rather soon. If it wasn't for the rape part, the necessity of which I still fail to see, I could see it happening rather quickly.
Remus giving Harry an introduction in conjuring is also pretty neat. I like how you get Harry to learn a lot of different things without making it seem like you are trying to make him all-powerful. You're succeeding really well at making Harry's learning and development convincing. Good job!
Quizer
JBern replied:
Ah yes the power of suggestion. Conjuring should be harder and more wasteful than transfiguration.~Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Monday 13th November 2006 1:57pm
Wow, you've managed to greatly surprise me with this amazing resolution to thwart Penny's plan. I'm looking forward to see how it all came together.
Bringing Penny here as an enemy spy into #12 is a good plot element and really makes the most out of you turning her evil. I'm still looking for an explanation why she turned evil in the first place. I also still believe that the whole Voldemort as Godfather thing is a huge mistake, story-technically. It does not work at all, it seems just off. Would Voldemort really go into such a bond with someone, even if she is his servant? Would she really call him 'Godfather' in a letter instead of 'Master', especially talking in third person? It sounds terribly contrived to me and I fail to see the actual point of it. I think 'Penny as a Death Eater' would have worked just as well without her calling Voldie 'Godfather'. You could have had him describe her as his protegée in his thoughts.
Having Percy come back as a ghost is also a great idea to come up with and well executed. I certainly didn't expect that one!
Well, time to read the last of this batch of chapters. I hope it's just as exciting as this one!
Quizer
JBern replied:
Glad you enjoyed it. I am pleased to say no one anticipated Percy's return.~Jim
Aaran St Vines posted a comment on Monday 13th November 2006 12:43pm
This was a great bit:
"Oh," was the only reply Susan could make while digesting that nugget of information. Inside she was thinking, "What the hell can you say to that? Good show Harry! Tune in to the Dark Lord hour this week on Wizarding Wireless."
I loved it.
The back fill for Voldie was good. I love to back fill, too much probably. I like the idea of Frank and Alice being top notch Voldie fighters.
JBern replied:
Voldy is as much a lead character in this fic as Harry and Susan.~Jim
Aaran St Vines posted a comment on Monday 13th November 2006 12:39pm
One of the better Harry/Dumbledore confrontations that I've read. You give both of them good and bad points to defend. Realistic.
The note to Neville was choice.
JBern replied:
I like realistic conversations - the kind where no on is ever completely right or wrong.~Jim
Aaran St Vines posted a comment on Monday 13th November 2006 12:38pm
Just a great fight scene. I wish Harry had doen in Snape/ I have a feeling he will too before long.
I like Harry's acceptance of the fact that he's a killer now.
JBern replied:
You have a profound sense of impending doom... ~Jim
Aaran St Vines posted a comment on Monday 13th November 2006 12:35pm
Hufflepuff is the most fascinating house to me. I'm a Gryffindor the test says, but the Badgers are compelling. This is a most interesting start.
JBern replied:
I have always been interested in the Hufflepuffs. They are an overlooked bunch, for the most part.~Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Monday 13th November 2006 12:03pm
Good job on resolving the Tonks issue. My fears proved to be unnecessary, but this could have been turned either way. Anyway, I'm glad you didn't choose the path of deep angst.
Quizer
JBern replied:
Just because I use and abuse many cliches, doesn't mean I use everyone.~Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Monday 13th November 2006 11:22am
This chapter went a lot better than I had anticipated. I'm impressed that you didn't go for the 'Bella's evil twin' scheme, but actually had Tonks rescued this early. I'm not 100% sure something won't go wrong yet, but I'm a lot more hopeful Tonks looking like Bellatrix will not result in every damned 'evil twin' cliché ever invented being used in this story.
Tonks should have remembered though that she needs Bella's corpse to prove her own identity, since she might otherwise be attacked on sight. Sturgis might be able to defuse things, but if not, I'm going to feel very betrayed.
Great job on the hamster animagus form, by the way. It's the first time I've ever seen someone come up with a 'useless' animagus form and use it to good effect. Peter Pettigrew's rat form is actually pretty similiar in use, but usually people try to stay well clear from that. I'm glad you didn't!
It's also nice that Harry has managed to 'recruit' Coedus. I had him pegged dead already, despite you describing his background in a previous scene. I'm looking forward to his and Neville's meeting.
Quizer
JBern replied:
Well who doesn't love a Hamster? In my effort to provide a realistic war, things like Bella's rapid end will occur. War is hell. War is nasty. War kills and maims indescriminately.~Jim
Tanydwr posted a comment on Monday 13th November 2006 6:45am
Specifically on your authors' note considering money - there is an exchange rate of roughly five pounds sterling to the galleon. An American dollar is between 42 and 43 pence sterling, so a galleon is roughly twelve dollars.
That makes Harry's wand £35, the reward £5000. Slightly more realistic, but when you have things like mending charms, colour charms and something of a lack of consumerism among the population (fewer adverts), it will reduce living costs.
Thought that might help.
Lol, Tanydwr
JBern replied:
Agreed, but I am pretty sure that when JKR wrote the first book she really wasn't too concerned about the economics of it all. I wonder if she gets a kick out of reading about all us fanfic authors out there quibbling about exchange rates and her financial system?
Hope you enjoyed~Jim
Sterling posted a comment on Sunday 12th November 2006 7:37pm
I don't have much to say other then, well done.
I am really enjoying your takes on some of fandom's cliches.
JBern replied:
Thanks. The rest of the chapters up to 25 should be up this week. If you can't wait that long visit ficwad or ff.net to catch up to my current progress.~Jim
jackattack posted a comment on Sunday 12th November 2006 1:04pm
Love the story, very good plot, great twists on overused contrivances. But allow me a pet peeve -- "canon".
Keep writing!
JBern replied:
I'll get out my cannon and blast the second 'n' away. :)
Seriously, I'll fix it soon. Kokopelli was nice enough to rebeta my chapters. So the newer ones will be less full of mistakes.~Jim
Asad posted a comment on Saturday 11th November 2006 3:37am
Just curious but shouldn't 'breakroom' be 'restroom'?
JBern replied:
Not really. Snape went to the restroom. Dumbledore and Harry went to the breakroom. ~Jim
HermioneGreen posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 6:04pm
A most intriguing story you are telling. I like the way the relationship is developing between harry and Susan. I look forward to finding out what happens to Coedus when he tries to attack harry, after all . . . Neville *has* promised the support of the Full Longbottom family . . . Keep up the good work
Thanks for sharing
'Mione
JBern replied:
Glad you enjoyed it. I just finished posting a new chapter of my other story and now should be able to catch up on this one.~Jim
anonymous5 posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 4:53pm
"Her partner was gone as were both police officers four of the six firefighters."
...I'm thinkin' you might need an "and" in there somewhere. Also, closing quotes are in order in the last paragraph describing events from Voldemort's point of view - it just runs from his statement right into a description of what he does.
"He simply pointed his wand at the dementor, felt that same draining pulse of energy and said the only thing that came to mind."
I've read so, so many fics that involve Harry having some special knack for killing dementors... and this one treats it the best of all! That was a blast to read. You've got solid talent for what I consider an appropriate level of drama. I also really like the way you had Moody set things up in the last paragraph... good times, even if we all know in advance that it'll be for naught until Harry does his thing. I'm really looking forward to reading how it plays out!
JBern replied:
Thanks for the grammatical nitpicks. I'll add them to the growing list of things that need 'fixin'. Much more on Harry and the dementors coming soon.~Jim
anonymous5 posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 2:04pm
This is LOVELY. Your twists are unforseeable and perfectly valid, especially those concerned with Narcissa... and I've never seen the title to a story so seamlessly worked into the text. No misplaced commas that I could find, either! ;) Thanks so much for sharing -- this chapter was a joy to read.
JBern replied:
Thanks again. My other chapters will be up soon. Glad you like the twists. The additional betaing has really helped.~Jim
Bedrup posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 12:30pm
I ´ve decided to reread this story, even though I ´ve already rean it on ff.net. I ´ve yet to regret that decission. I actually needed a reminder or two. Great work.
JBern replied:
Thanks! I appreciate your comments. The rest of the current chapters will be up here soon - improved by some additional betaing.~Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 11:34am
I don't particularly like how you made Susan act in the middle of this chapter. I can stomach it better than Ginny's outburst earlier, but I still think it was gratuitious. You have portrayed Susan as very mature and level-headed so far, so it wouldn't be unbelievable for her not to act this way, even if everything gets to be a bit much all at once.
The whole 'jumping to conclusions' thing is one of the shittiest clichés ever invented, and you executed it particularly poorly as well. If you expect the reader to accept and understand such a scene, you had better show at length what goes on in Susan's head at that particular point in time and make it believable. As it is, the whole thing is over in a matter of paragraphs, Susan already regretting it when she mounts her broom. So what was the point of it? Maybe you wanted to show that she has 'flaws', too, but in my opinion, this is an exceedingly poor way to do it.
I don't hate the complete chapter; there are small things in there I liked: Voldemort sending his minions out of the chamber before engaging Moody & co., since he knows they can't touch him - this is a great way to show that Voldemort is a competent leader who doesn't squander his assets. I liked the destruction of the dementors, even if the super patronus isn't terribly inspired or original. At least it wasn't golden.
However, it is extremely obvious that you have some plot to follow and the characters don't get a particularly large say in how the story unfolds. The key to writing a good story is to make it seem that the characters act on their own motivations and free will and still end up where you want them.
Quizer
JBern replied:
In defense of Susan, she spent the night fighting dementors, got a boyfriend, a proposal and saw dead bodies all in the course of a few hours. She's strong but not without fault.
I've been around enough teenagers who are willing to jump to a conculsion on a sentence misspoken. There are instances where the story goes into Susan's thought process. I look forward to seeing your critique, but I reject your opinion that it was poorly done. Nor do I believe that I used a crowbar to force my characters into their roles.~Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 11:02am
I do not like what you are doing with Voldemort in this chapter, specifically his 'interaction' with the good guys. Many things are just designed to evoke an emotional response in the reader and show off how evil Voldemort is, and I deeply resent having my feelings toyed with. The whole episode was largely unnecessary from a plot point of view. We know how evil Voldemort is from the books already, thank you very much. Having him kill off Moody and Kingsley in a sadistic manner and raping Tonks (especially this!) isn't necessary for that.
Bob and Alyx's 'Sunset/Sunrise over Britain' series is also very dark, but it hasn't that gratuitious feel to it and always seems to be related to the plot. They also don't first give us hope and then let the reader suffer helplessly along, knowing already the characters are going to fail and still have to watch it. I vastly prefer the 'someone running into the room saying Azkaban has been overrun' solution over this, thank you very much.
Honestly, how do you expect a reader to witness this and then expect them to slide into the proper mood to enjoy the Harry/Susan mushyness in the scene immediately afterwards?
Why didn't Tonks and co. just leave?! Tonks already correctly realized that the island is nothing but a bunch of rocks - why risk their lives on it? Why didn't they leave after it became clear that there's nothing left to save on the island? Don't tell me it's because of the apparition wards. If they went in per portkey, then they will damn well have packed return portkeys, and those will be in easily accessible locations that would enable Tonks to use it even while in the grasp of the statue.
I'm also not buying paranoid old Mad-Eye giving himself serious chances taking out Voldie, after Dumbledore failed at the Ministry. You don't get to be a grizzled combat veteran if you have delusions of grandeur of this magnitude.
As of now, this story has taken a decidedly sour turn for me. I'll look forward to hearing your reasons for doing all that you did.
Quizer
JBern replied:
I disagree on so many levels with you. You have a tiny hint of the canon version of Voldemort. I refer to the canon version as the psychotic throne humper. He's a crucio throwing maniac and I see no valid reason why anyone would follow him.
You have no idea about my version of Voldemort. He is as much a part of this story as Harry and Susan. He's not the uber powerful one from most stories. Like the rest of us, he has to work for his victories.
Moody didn't know the prophecy. He thought he had a chance. Dumbledore didn't lose to Voldie at the Ministry. I distinctly recall Voldie fleeing. How does that constitute a loss? He didn't and all four of them paid the price. I don't consider the level of violence gratuitous. It had a very specific objective.
I purposefully followed the scene with Harry and Susan. It was more jarring that way. I don't mind provoking reactions from my readers. In some parts of the story, I want you to feel slightly uncomfortable.
Tonks didn't leave, because she wasn't in charge. Anders and Moody were. You don't abandon your teammates.
I understand you might not like the dark tones of this story. It may not be for you. I don't intend on changing the way I write it though.
~Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 10:29am
"In this instance, it made no sense to kill the Muggleborn witches and wizards. The reality is that they don’t possess the power base. The prominent purebloods do."
I've noticed you doing this over and over, changing tenses in the middle of a sentence like this, so I finally decided to notify you. STOP DOING IT. No matter whether what you say applies not only to what happens in the story, but also in general, you DO NOT change tenses. If you write using past tense, then EVERYTHING will be in past tense, even this. I advise you to carefully go through everything you've written so far and fix it. This is among the more grating mistakes that a writer can commit, but the various instances of it are easy enough to fix. Hope you find them all!
Quizer
JBern replied:
I am the first to admit my work is far from perfect. I make an effort to correct my mistakes, and have a beta (now two since Kokopelli ran my work through the meatgrinder - I swear the man is a machine!). When I finally finish the story, I will go back and do my best to turn it into a polished professional piece. Until then, if I see it or it's pointed out to me, I will do my best to fix it.
Jim
anonymous5 posted a comment on Monday 13th November 2006 5:17pm
JBern replied: