By JBern
Reviews
Mark Blaine posted a comment on Thursday 9th November 2006 11:49am
Good work. I liked the thought of Hufflepuffs feeling like others regarded them as the remainders.
JBern replied:
You notice that there are very few stories that strongly feature Hufflepuffs.~Jim
MonkeyAxman1302 posted a comment on Thursday 9th November 2006 10:47am
This is such a powerful chapter, even after a second reading (first being on ff.net). Its great to see you posting on another site, especially this which is full of so many great Authors.
What Voldemort does to Tonks is awful and how quickly he takes out Moody and Kingsley is quite shocking. Very brutal and you take no prisoners when it comes to character survival.
Monkey
JBern replied:
It's an honor to be posting it on this site. I am glad you are enjoying it on a reread.~Jim
Todd Rodgers posted a comment on Thursday 9th November 2006 9:39am
Lurrrrrrrve this action -- this has the foundation of a really good adventure and I hope you'll continue the chapter.
JBern replied:
Next chapter is already up. The rest of hte chapters will be up soon to catch you up to chapter 25. Thanks for the review.~Jim
carlinonthebrain posted a comment on Wednesday 8th November 2006 6:46pm
excellent work all round. i'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter. i espcially enjoyed your take on the standard harry gets emancipated and badmouths dumbledore cliche. Also, i am impressed that you took the extra step of vilifying Lily Potter, not many would go that far. very good work.
JBern replied:
You can find up to chapter 25 on ficwad and ff.net. I am taking a bit longer to move the chapters here, as I discovered how riddled (no pun intended) with errors my early chapters are. I am going to get them second checked for quality of the writing before posting them. Just remember to drop a review or two there.
Thanks for the review. I am glad you are enjoying the story.
Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Wednesday 8th November 2006 5:13pm
I really liked the 'whirlwind' no-nonsense version of Narcissa you present. She is portrayed as a good character in several stories, but I have never seen her show such a decisive personality. It is like a breath of fresh air, and this change is highly appreciated.
Your ruminations about the Gringotts vaults make sense. Personally, I think it's not too outlandish for people to store other things than gold and gemstones in the vaults, like heirlooms, but I agree that on closer examination, it is unlikely that Harry finds the keys to Voldemort's defeat in there. Like you pointed out, anything that would be of use to Lily and James would not be in the vault. An author could still have Harry find useful stuff there, but it would have to be something that is of no benefit to L&J, either because they are additional duplicates that don't bring them any further benefit, or it is something they can't use in the first place.
The 'love potion' discussion was quite interesting. I don't particularly like 'Saint Lily' either, and while I'm not exactly sure who is being implied to have taken the potion and who is supposed to be targeted by it, it gives a little more spice to the usually bland background of Harry's parents.
The arranged marriage theme isn't one of my favorites, and I can see where this will end up going, but for now you have managed not to slip up and it is still refreshing and fun. It all depends on the characters' reactions. I guess I will see if you manage to keep your footing on this one... ;)
Quizer
JBern replied:
I have resisted numerous calls to bring 'whirlwind Narcissa' back to the storyline. I agree that she should have a more decisive personality.
As for Harry's parents, I wanted people to remember that they were in their early twenties. I remember my monumental stupidity at that age and I tried to make real people in a bad situation. The letter from James in the next chapter doesn't answer as many questions as it proposes. As it should be. I don't like stories where the letter from James, Lily or Sirius basically gives Harry the 'roadmap for success'. If they had all the answers then, why didn't they use them?
Thanks again,
Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Wednesday 8th November 2006 4:34pm
The first part of the chapter came as quite a shocker to me. I'm not sure why people are so fond of turning Ginny in a vitriol-spouting bitch at odd opportunities. I had not expected you to fall for that trap. It makes a good opportunity for Harry and Susan to get closer, but I think this is well out of proportion. It is an attitude that I cannot fathom, and if I was in Harry's shoes, I would stamp her down brutally. She may hurt because of Percy's death, but this is no way to deal with pain.
The conversation between Harry and Susan is well done and refreshing for a change in that the characters actually talk about relationship-related stuff in your story, instead of the usual obliviousness.
I wrote this after reading only a third of the chapter (can you tell I feel quite strongly about this?), so I'll continue now.
Quizer
PS: just noticing the bottom of your Author's Note: Please take note that 'cannon' is a large artillery gun, while 'canon' is the original material that exists about a work of fiction, in contrast to 'fanon', which is what fans contributed to it. This misspelling is another pet peeve of mine and I wanted to alert you to it, in case it is a simple case of ignorance.
JBern replied:
Yeah, gotta fix the cannon crap! As for Ginny, in so many stories, she is a take charge hell on wheels kind of girl. I wanted to go for a real youngest child and only girl. I pictured her as slightly coddled and overprotected by her mother and she has never really known loss before in her life. Percy dies and she takes her guilt/anger out on Harry. He could save Susan, why couldn't he save Percy?
More on Ginny later...
Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Wednesday 8th November 2006 4:11pm
Another thing - Harry keeps using the word 'gift' in conjunction with him being a 'killer'. I can see why Dumbledore would be a bit concerned about that; 'gift' is not the right word. Harry would rather say it is his burden to bear, but 'gift' isn't the word I think he would use.
Also, I think 'killer' might be too strong a word, too. Is someone labeled a killer if they kill a person in self-defense? I had the impression it has a very negative connotation. Harry feeling squeamish about having to kill the bad guys is one of my pet peeves in many fanfiction. I'm glad your Harry doesn't show this attitude, but his choice of words should reflect that.
hope my comments helped you. Feel free to let me hear about them!
Quizer
JBern replied:
As you will see in later chapters, much of this story is about the Darkness within Harry as the Darkness he is fighting externally. Thanks again for the long and detailed reviews.~Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Wednesday 8th November 2006 4:00pm
Hey, just wanted to drop by to say that I did mind Percy getting whacked. It depends on how Percy is portrayed in the story, whether he is a twit or actually cares about his family. I guess you did a pretty good job describing him, since you managed to make me regret him dying. Though maybe it's more because of that betrayal, as I have a strong dislike for a theme like that.
The whole 'Voldemort's Goddaughter' ploy seems forced and not terribly well thought out. Voldemort doesn't seem to be the type to commit to such an attachment, even if it was only in name. Voldemort inspires loyalty through fear, and even if he acts like this in every fanfic, I can't really see him do anything else. Also, the source of Penny's evilness is explained poorly at best. You don't go Death Eater just because your birth records show your illegitimate father was one. To choose that path, she has to have had such tendencies already before that. You should put a bit more effort into explaining her motives, especially if you intend to keep her around. Because she's normally a 'good' character, you can't get away with just letting the reader assume.
The Marauder's Map analogue to Voldie's lair is a sensible and logical idea. I'm surprised that Peter knew enough to be able to recreate it (or assist with the process) on his own, but I guess it is possible.
I agree with your statement about wizarding recreational activities, and just things in general. Because JKR doesn't put in a lot of effort, most authors don't feel compelled to go further than she has. A good author is able to expand on the original material in unusual ways like this. I loved the 'Clue - Hogwarts Edition' thing, especially the Snape reference! I can totally see such an adaptation of the game! :)
Other than that, the story is quite well written. You come up with several unique ideas that not every writer would think of. Voldemort as a hands-on villain seems to be turning out quite well, too. On the other hand, I think you might be making him too human. I think he's a tad too pleasant to Perce in that scene, even if it makes more sense in light of the betrayal. Also, the insight in his thoughts and inner workings is deeper than I would probably choose to display. Penelope's 'Why I became a villain' speech also seems a little forced.
On the whole, these are small flaws, though, which do not notably detract from the story. Stories like this, where lots of people die, especially ones that I as the reader have become attached to, usually don't range among my favorites, but I'll stick around a while longer and see where this is going.
Quizer
JBern replied:
Wow! First let me thank you for putting so much effort into your reviews. I am honored that you would actually take so much time. There is a much greater backstory to Penny. After all, the original escape of Bella, Antonin and the others was never really explained. It is in a later chapter. If you can't wait for my chapters to get up on this site, you can see them on ff.net and ficwad. I currently have chapter 25 posted and there should be several explanations for a few of your comments. I slowed down the rate of posting so I can get them rebetaed to improve the quality.~Jim
cyberpurple posted a comment on Wednesday 8th November 2006 12:21pm
This. is. brilliant!
JBern replied:
Thank you very much! More chapters coming when I have another beta look them over. If you can't wait, you can go see them on ficwad or ff.net.~Jim
Ishtar posted a comment on Wednesday 8th November 2006 3:57am
"You are so wrong! It was my time to fight when I was 11 and had to kill Quirell. It was my time to fight when I had to go face the Basilisk down in the chamber. It was my time to fight when Crouch entered me into the Triwizard tournament. How many Dark Lords have you fought Mrs. Weasley? How many bodies have you seen lately? I’ve fought him and seen four dead bodies since last night. One by my own hand! Do I want to be a killer? No I don’t, but it seems that is my gift."
Love this passage. About time somebody said this to Molly. It could, perhaps, have been made stronger if he asked her if she would have rather he let Ginny die because it "wasn't his time"? And if she didn't want him to let her daughter die, how could she want him to let anybody else's? Hit her with the double standard.
JBern replied:
Why thank you! I wanted a 'not perfect' rant. Harry is a young man, so I wanted his style to come off good, but not perfect. In too many stories he morphs unexpectedly into the smooth sophisticated James Bond of the Magical world. I'd rather try and make the reader see his growth, both in power and as a person. He'll stumble. He'll grow. He'll make mistakes.~Jim
OrionHR posted a comment on Wednesday 8th November 2006 2:25am
How very interesting? I like your slightly darker view of James and Lily. Very unique, very non-canon. But since the whole idea is non-canon, what's the worry. Good handling of the Dursleys, they wouldn't be expected to be grateful, but perhaps in a later chapter or an afterword, we could them having a child.
You've actually created a little (only a little, mind you) sympathy for Vernon and Petunia.
I noticed some of your earlier chapters could you a little revising, only in the sense of some minor word misspellings. Such as "to" when you meant "too".
Keep writing, I'll keep reading. and reviewing.
JBern replied:
Thanks for the compliments. Making the Dursleys more human instead of the gross caricatures was a bonus to the chapter. Lily loved Harry enough to sacrifice herself for him. Never doubt that. How many others she was willing to sacrifice is another question.
The rest of the chapters are going to come over slowly. I am going to have someone give it a serious going over to improve the quality. If you can't wait you can go to ficwad or ff.net and get up to chapter 25. Please be kind and review.~Jim
ShadeHawk posted a comment on Tuesday 7th November 2006 6:53pm
Expect twists on cliches and things you take for granted in the HP universe.
For me it is a bit "twist on any cliche you found", and that is too many for one story, in my opinion. Better to take a few cliches and twist/break them. Besides (again in my opinion) some of the "twists" contradicts the information in original books, and also somewhat contradicts itself.
I didn't like where the plot went, so I stopped reading somewhere around "Secrets of a Successful Death Eater" on ff.net, but that is only my personal preference (I usually don't like Dark!Harry stories either). For example didn't Penelope broke her own marriage oath? And wouldn't it be better for Percy to break the oath on his magic, if he was to lose his magic (and life) anyway? That's just a one thing I didn't like...
But I'm waiting for next chapters of "Bungle in the Jungle"...
JBern replied:
Well I am glad you enjoy Bungle. Chapter 14 will be up this weekend. I am sorry this isn't your cup of tea.
Magical marriage isn't really discussed in the books. If there are oaths involved, perhaps Penny convinced Percy to marry the muggle way, since she planned on betraying him.
Anyway to each his own, perhaps you will come back to this story at some point and give it another try.~Jim
Dave Harris posted a comment on Tuesday 7th November 2006 7:29am
This is very gritty and heart-rending, and I mean that in a good way! It's good to see some additional motivation behind the Dursleys' hatred of Harry beyond their simple fear of magic, and I think you brought out the "less-than-perfect" nature of Lily very nicely.
I was a little bit confused by both Harry and Susan having marriage requirements since that no doubt means that they have to produce even more children than if they married other people (to populate all of their lines, rather than just their own, singularly).
When Ginny finally finds out that Harry and Susan have chosen each other, I can't see her being very happy! It really does throw everyones plans into disarray (which I suppose is the whole point of Harry becoming independent).
Does Harry still plan to work with Dumbledore now that he knows how influential the Headmaster was in Harry's upbringing, and how deeply he has been affected by those decisions?
JBern replied:
As I said in other responses, never doubt that Lily loved Harry enough to sacrifice herself for him. How many others she was willing to sacrifice is another question altogether.
Ginny won't be pleased at all. You'll see. Up to chapter 25 is on ficwad and ff.net if you can't wait for the slow progress of getting the stories up here. Though I hope you take the time to review there as well.~Jim
Viridian posted a comment on Tuesday 7th November 2006 6:49am
Oh my god, your Peter is hilarious.
The blood wards was just pure nastiness. I can't see how Harry could ever support Dumbledore now... not after he was complicit in the deaths of 3 of his cousins - ones who'd never hurt him.
JBern replied:
Peter always seemed to me to be so impressionable. He'd be one of those people coming out of a management seminar with a glaze over his eyes.
Never doubt that Lily loved Harry enough to sacrifice herself for him. The question was how many others would she have been willing to sacrifice? I am getting the rest of the chapters revised, but you can find up to chapter 25 on both ficwad and ff.net. Just be kind and review.~Jim
Amamama posted a comment on Tuesday 7th November 2006 6:44am
Now that was interesting. True, I've been wondering what made the Dursleys hate Harry so. This, I guess, is the best explanation I've ever read. Good on Harry to get that final stab at Petunia. He can't be all gentleman, even with Occlumency to help him. And btw, it's occlumency, not occulmency. It's a very common misspelling in the world of HP fanfiction, and I just don't understand why.
I am a bit anxious about what Penny is going to do. Even if some of the Weasleys have been behaving less then noble, I still don't want to see any of them mauled by Modieshorts or his Death Nibblers.
Oh well, I look forward to reading what you have up your sleeve next.
Thanks for sharing!
Berte
JBern replied:
Considering how many times I have misspelled Occlumency, I have a bit of fixing to do. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. The other chapters will be coming soon to this site, but I want them reedited to improve their overall quality.~Jim
Viridian posted a comment on Tuesday 7th November 2006 6:21am
Nice take on things. Having Ginny blow her chance with that emotional reaction is one of the more realistic ways to scuttle things for her. The end of line manipulations is even craftier. Remus is going to be a while getting out of the doghouse for this one.
I've seen "Sirius's will done by a portrait" before, so I'm not sure if this was the first, but the extra bit about the luxuries therein was hilarious.
Narcissa was hilariously over the top. Definitely related to Sirius in this story.
Saint Lily may be a cliche, but it does have some basis in canon. Her sacrifice *is* a matter of canon. But I'll reserve opinion until I see how you run this.
JBern replied:
Whoops! I thought I had responded to this one already. Apparently, not. Hopefully you have seen I how did chapter 9. Lily's willingness to sacrifice herself was never a question. How many others she would be willing to sacrifice is a whole different question.~Jim
Viridian posted a comment on Tuesday 7th November 2006 5:37am
Clue - The Hogwarts Edition was brilliant!
And the twist with Percy was certainly unexpected.
You definitely some fresh ideas, but you don't come up with irrational things 'just to be different' - good show!
JBern replied:
Thank you. I am shooting for realistic and believable with this story. I don't mind spinning old cliches on their ear.~Jim
Amamama posted a comment on Tuesday 7th November 2006 5:30am
Now this is and interesting twist. Lily took love potions to fall in love with James? At least one of them loved the other dearly. I kind of like the trashing you give Ginny. This kind of behaviour is indeed more in line with an overly protected girl her age. Way cool! So, I have a feeling there's a Harry/Susan marriage contract waiting around the corner. A Sirius portrait is just perfect, hope he'll manage to be serious every now and then.
Thanks for sharing!
JBern replied:
Well it's only alleged. I gave the readers enough info to draw their own conclusions. Too often in fanfiction, Ginny is this awesome kick butt and take names girl. Instead, I wanted to give a realistic 14 almost 15 year old with an infatuation on our hero.~Jim
Amamama posted a comment on Tuesday 7th November 2006 4:41am
Ouch. Damned be Penny. Damned be the stupid, noble, gullible Percy. Shit. You do write well, and I find you're definitely homing in on your goal to make the characters real. Good work with "Clue - the Hogwarts edition," those kids need other games.
Well done, I'm off to the next chapter... Thanks for sharing!
JBern replied:
Surprisingly enough, I found out from Brit Pickers that it is called Cluedo over there. I am working on it. Thank you for the review and praising my attempts at making believable characters. I am slowly putting the rest of my work, up on this site. I want to get one of the really good betas to take a look at improving the mechanics of my writing. But if you are curious, you can find up to chapter 25 on ficwad or ff.net. Just be kind and review! ~Jim
m4r13 posted a comment on Friday 10th November 2006 6:23am
JBern replied: