Lourens posted a comment on Tuesday 7th November 2006 3:11am

Glad to see you here on FFA! If anyone deserves the privilege to post here it's you. I've been following your stories on Fanfiction.net and have to say I enjoy your stories tremendously especially your 'Bungle in the Jungle: A Harry Potter Adventure'. The way it draws you in and makes you feel as if you're the one actually casting the spells and fleeing from the dragon is amazing. Please, please keep 'em coming!

JBern replied:

Well thank you!   I am working on chapter 14 of Bungle this week and it should be ready for the weekend.   I am honored to be included among such a select group of authors.~Jim

KenF posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 11:47pm

Hmmm... I wonder if Lily, like Harry, might have almost wound up in Slytherin.

JBern replied:

Well anything is possible.   Lily was a very determined young woman, who was willing to sacrifice herself to save her child.   The real question is how many others would she sacrifice as well?   Thanks for the review.~Jim

KenF posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 11:12pm

Well, that's a different take on James and Lily. I kinda like it. And Cissy was a riot... poor Voldie has just taken one in the back of the neck (financially speaking) and doesn't even know it yet.

JBern replied:

One thing that always bugs me is that James and Lily are saints.   I don't know too many people in their early twenties that are/were saints.   I strive for believability and realism in this story.   I searched for a valid reason why the Dursleys would hate Harry so much, but not to the point that they would get rid of him.~Jim

KenF posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 9:51pm

I did like your version of Penelope.

JBern replied:

I thought it was interesting to do this version of Penny.   After reading countless stories where Percy is 'redeemed' by Penny, I decided to do one where she was the one whispering in his ear.~Jim

anonymous5 posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 5:01pm

"...my house was attacked by Death Eaters."
"Death Eater’s attacked my house last night!"

I apologize for my tone, but please, pick one! Apostrophe's never make thing's plural. I really really love where you're going with this story -- it's wholly unique and a joy to follow... but little things like this are widespread, and make the difference between a good story and an amazing one. Thanks for the quick postings!

JBern replied:

I accept your criticsm, but please remember mistakes do happen.   The early chapters of the story were not as heavily betaed as the later chapters.   When I finish the story I will go back and quality check it.   Unfortunately since this story is scattered on three different computers, I ran into some issues gathering all the chapters into one spot on one computer.   What I thought was a betaed chapter wasn't when it was posted.   I am paying more attention to this as a result.

After chapter 7 I finally did get a beta and she's been with me since.   She's pretty good at catching things, but she is also a volunteer.   As things are reported to me, I make an effort to fix them and as my story continues my 'mechanics' have gotten better.~Jim

karen posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 3:17pm

I'm enjoying the your story. Very interesting, with some quite unique takes on the characters instead of following the usual crowd. The only negative thing I have to say, is that people usually talk in contractions. Your dialog doesn't contain very many and it comes off as stilted, stiff, and formal. Where Dumbledore, McGonnegal and the Malfoys might rearly be heard using contractions in their speech, all the teenagers, at least, should be talking in contractions. If you go back and read one of your chapters, I think you'll agree, and inserting more contractions will only improve your story. Just MHO. Looking forward to the Will readings. Will we be seeing more of Neville? I like Harry and Neville friendships.

JBern replied:

Thank you for the review and the commentary.     Early on there was a debate on whether I should have the Pureblooded children speak more 'properly'.   I could picture Draco getting a caning for not speaking correctly and whatnot.   The dialogue becomes more realistic later on.   One day when I am finished with this, I will go back and revise some things about this and that will be one of them.   I was also never pleased with the Percy/Voldy confrontation in chapter 7.

Until then, on with the show...

Jim

Hagrid posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 12:45pm

How much Mrs. Scour's powder did yer need ter clean yer keys after that revoltin', no, make that amazing portrial of Snape? And yes, Albus has seen better nights than this one.

JBern replied:

Not so much powder.   Poor Albus.   He's old and he's got problems. ~Jim

Hagrid posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 11:59am

Well better Hufflepuff than Slytherin. I said it ter 'Arry an I'll say it ter yeh. Raw deal about sums it up too. A good first chapter, no question. I've seen stories where there are over one thousand students, some even have so many that not all the students from one house live in the same tower. Coddswallop in my opinion. Now I figure there's less than 300 students, and yer right, all them other stories only use the 'Puffs as canon fodder. Keep up the good work, and don't let them muggles get yer down.

JBern replied:

Well it's nice to meet you Hagrid.   I apologize in advance for what happens later in the story.   Nice review.~Jim

KenF posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 10:37am

I've seen some stories that malign the 'Puffs just like you say, but a few don't. The Girl Who Live (on Mugglenet) takes a bit of a better view... the sorting is based on the DOMINTANT trait, not the most obvious. Hence putting Hermoninny in Gryffindor, or an OC who believes she would have been a Hufflepuff, despite being gutsier than Harry.

JBern replied:

I'll have to check that story out you mentioned.   Hopefully, you'll like this story.~Jim

Louis IX posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 10:03am

Good story so far. I like the more realistic views you have on some things. Thanks for writing it.

JBern replied:

Thanks.   I have to run back and do some QA.   Apparently, I put up some of the unbetaed chapters with bad spelling and no scene breaks.   Oops.   The other chapters up to 25 are on ficwad and ff.net.   They should be up by the weekend.

Jim

MercuryBlue posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 9:26am

This looks like a decent start to the story, but it's highly annoying that you don't have anything recognizable as scene breaks, and that you keep spelling Hermione's name as Hermoine.

JBern replied:

That's my bad!   Posting the story   so long ago, I have copies of the chapters scattered around on 3 different machines.   I grabbed on of the ones that hadn't been betaed by accident.   I am working on correcting the mistakes.

*slinks away to hide his humiliation*

Jim

Asad posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 5:19am

Are you editing stuff when posting the chapters here or are the chapters same as those on fanfiction.net?

JBern replied:

For the most part they are the same, but I am trying to do some editing and cleaning up.

Jim

Adrian R Brown posted a comment on Monday 6th November 2006 2:40am

Great story thus far! Can't wait to read more. :)

JBern replied:

Thanks.   I should have all 25 of the current chapters up by the end of the week, but I still have to do chapter 14 of my other story.   Like I said in other replies, if you can't wait it is up on ficwad and ff.net.   Just remember to leave a review there.~Jim

anonymous5 posted a comment on Sunday 5th November 2006 2:32pm

Did I mention in last chapter's review that I liked action? I like action. If the rest of these chapters are a fraction of the fun that the first two have been -- this is spectacular!

Might want to capitalize "Ministry" when Harry is pondering Lestrange's death, but I couldn't find anything else. The way you intertwine character analysis with realtime events is just informative enough to be interesting without overpowering the *wham* *bang* nature of the scene itself. I'm really enjoying these - this is the first time in five years of fanfic that I'm reviewing chapter-by-chapter. Thanks for the ride!

JBern replied:

Glad you like it.   You'll see some more interesting character analysis in chapter 5 featuring Marietta Edgecombe and Terry Higgs of all people.   Sometimes purebloods don't have many options.~Jim

Malaskor posted a comment on Sunday 5th November 2006 1:05pm

Interesting start, it definitly has rised my curiosity about how it goes on :)

Keep it up and thanks for sharing

JBern replied:

I'm working on putting the chapters up.   It will probably take a few days.   If you are in a hurry go to ficwad or ff.net.  ~Jim

Ken Warner posted a comment on Sunday 5th November 2006 10:57am

Looking forward to seeing you develop both Susan and the HufflePuff House as a concept. I agree with you that there is in canon a perception that the Huffs are the "rests", but in truth, if looking for a friend I think unswerving loyalty and kindness are very good traits.

Thanks

JBern replied:

Thanks Ken.   I put my other story up first because it is shorter.   This one is currently on chapter 25.   I'll have the rest up by next weekend.   If you are in a hurry you can find them at ficwad and ff.net.   My author name there is the same.   I think you'll like my version of Susan Bones.   I look forward to further reviews.~Jim

anonymous5 posted a comment on Sunday 5th November 2006 7:50am

Welcome! It's nice to see this elite cadre of authors expanding a bit. This sounds like the beginning of a pretty slick story... I'm a big fan of jumping into action sequences (and well-written ones, at that) right away.

Do have a couple of quibbles. The punctuation could maybe use some work -- periods where there should be commas, commas where there shouldn't be commas, and "opinion's" (in your AN) doesn't make any sense to me as a possessive.

That said, I really like the premise. You had me at "two reasonably important characters killed off by the end of the first chapter"... and at the end, the several-line description of Harry's reaction is perfect. :D Please update soon -- I'm looking forward to this one!

JBern replied:

Thanks.   As I said in other reviews, I will have the other 24 chapters up this week.   If you are in a hurry, you can find them at ficwad and ff.net under the same author name.   Thanks for the quibbles.   I had a second beta go over it when I tried to get it posted on fiction alley.   After pulling what little hair I have left out, I gave up after putting 6 chapters up there.   I'll go back and take a look at my puncutation in the chapter.~Jim

Roxy1 posted a comment on Sunday 5th November 2006 5:50am

Its great to see a new writer here! more for us to read:)

I really like this opening chapter, its very strong. I can't wait to see what the next chapters will hold.

JBern replied:

Thank you.   I uploaded my other story first as it was shorter currently at 13 chapters.   This one is currently at 25.   The rest should be up in the next couple of days.   If you are in a hurry you can find them on ff.net and ficwad.~Jim

Josh S posted a comment on Sunday 5th November 2006 5:48am

Delighted to see a new writer here, looking forward to seeing more of your writing.

JBern replied:

Thank you.   This week I will be working on getting the other 24 chapters up.   If you are in a hurry they are on ff.net and ficwad.   I put my other story up here first.   It is only 13 chapters and was quicker to upload.~Jim