By JBern
Reviews
Brian Donnely posted a comment on Monday 24th December 2007 7:52pm
Your take on the Wizengamot is very interesting. Also, another cliche you've busted: McGonnagal automatically siding with Harry in his power struggle with Dumbledore.
I really liked your scene with Bellatrix's portrait as well.
JBern replied:
Thanks. As you can tell, I like taking the normal expected cliches and doing something interesting with them.~Jim
Brian Donnely posted a comment on Monday 24th December 2007 5:21pm
Heh, I look forward to the ramifications (if there are any) of Harry using three Unforgiveables.
JBern replied:
It tarnishes his relationship with Susan a bit and obviously put Harry on Scrimgeour's radar.~Jim
Brian Donnely posted a comment on Sunday 23rd December 2007 6:35pm
That was great portrayal of the Potters. You're certainly out to bust as many cliches as you can, eh? Not that I'm complaining, they're making for plotlines. :)
JBern replied:
Something about Lily always vexes me. Just how far was she willing to go to save her baby? I took some heat for my portrayal of Saint Lily in this story, but provoking the readers leads to insightful reviews.~Jim
Brian Donnely posted a comment on Sunday 23rd December 2007 5:54pm
Damn, dude. This is the first fic I've read that actually made me have a black moment. To be more specific, a "OH NO SHE DI'INT" when Ginny said that about him getting Sirius killed.
Also, Narcissa/Charlie interaction at the end was hilarious. XD
JBern replied:
In a sense, I should have broken all the Narcissa/Charlie interaction (and there's plenty to come) off into a separate story.~Jim
Brian Donnely posted a comment on Sunday 23rd December 2007 5:07pm
I feel so bad for Percy. :(
Though I can't help but wonder how he died, as you didn't mention how... I'm thinking suicide, at the moment.
JBern replied:
Thanks for all the reviews. I'll reply in more detail to each one later, but I'm glad you are enjoying the story.~Jim
Brian Donnely posted a comment on Saturday 22nd December 2007 4:37pm
Interesting. This is the first story I've read that's actually covering Voldemort's background in depth. I especially like how you're humanazing him, rather than portraying him as this unstoppable-badass-until-he-fights-Harry kind of character. Makes much more sense.
JBern replied:
I take a good deal of pride in my depiction of Riddle in this story. He's not some carboard cut out villain. Since you've already past the whole chapter with Percy, you know why he seemed a trifle underpowered here at the beginning. The really cool parts of the story are still to come. I think you'll like it.~Jim
Brian Donnely posted a comment on Saturday 22nd December 2007 3:12pm
Ohhh, I'm going to enjoy this immensely. You do have a knack for fight scenes, can't wait for more of 'em.
JBern replied:
There are some pretty good ones in here. I'll be looking forward to your reviews for the chapters in the early 20's.~Jim
IceBlades posted a comment on Saturday 15th December 2007 8:54pm
You know, of course, that this is a very evil way to end a story. It truly begs to be continued. However, I don't see you doing anything with it. Even if you did, I believe that the universe would be too obscure to engage a good following like this one did. I enjoyed reading this story very much. I'm waiting to see about Turn Me Loose next.
Happy writing!
JBern replied:
I figured that it would inspire the imagination of the readers and I like my epilogue much better than JKR's. It has such sinister overtones. Chapter 4 of TML is at final beta and will be released either tonight or tomorrow. It is 16K words in length and should provide you with considerable entertainment.~Jim
Rexnos posted a comment on Thursday 6th December 2007 11:07pm
It's late so I'm gonna stop reading now... I'm not sure if I'll keep going tomorrow...
In any case, I've got a couple notes I'd like to make. First and foremost, the lack of contractions is a pet peeve of mine. In real life, nobody honestly says 'I am' or 'I will' in real speech. It doesn't really detract from the story at all, but just picking them up bugs me.
As for the story itself, I really liked the beginning. It was interesting and realistic and I was hopeful upon reading your author notes. It seemed you were going for something relatively original.
Unfortunately, the farther I've gotten, the more annoyed I've gotten with this piece. I like most of the pieces from Voldie's point of view, but about 90% of Harry's bits feel wrong. Sure, I figure you've changed him, but he's out of character with reality (and I don't mean cannon). That doesn't work well.
What do I mean by that? You keep talking about how he's all grown up and ready to take care of himself, but I've felt he's been childish and pathetic in almost every interaction with most characters, Dumbledore in particular. I know Harry has enough reasons to dislike the headmaster, but it's not enough for Harry to lash out at him at every turn. Harry comes across as a spiteful bastard most of the time...
Well, spiteful unless he's with Susan. When he's with Susan, he's suddenly completely grown up, an experienced romantic and a good kisser. Care to explain that one? He's had one romance in his entire life up to this point and it consisted of a single date and a single kiss. Apparently he learned absurdly fast no?
Aside from Harry's sudden experience, I also felt the relationship bloomed too fast. I may dislike the lack of romance till Rowling's sixth book, but the fact remained that Harry was too young for it until then. No matter who the partner is, Harry isn't going to suddenly go proposing to a girl he just started to know less than a week ago (unless a few days dodged my notice).
I could go on, but this has been a long review so I'll just go on my merry way now. I apologize if this came across as a flame, but it started off with such promise before dive bombing so hard. It seems to me that in your effort to go against the grain, you decided that the grain was wrong and made your own. Cutting against the grain ruins the wood in the end.
I'm not sure if I'll finish the whole story... Maybe I will and things will get better and I'll apologize for leaving this review in the first place...
Later,
Rex
JBern replied:
Never apologize for your opinion. That's why the review button is there. If I didn't want to hear it, I wouldn't have put the story up here.
As for the lack of contractions in the early part of the story, part of it was trying to separate the pureblood raised from the rest. A pureblood raised in a proper environment (such as Susan), speaks proper English. Sort of a throwback to Victorian era. One reviewer, Master Slytherin on DLP, really took me to task over it and I stopped doing it in the early teens.
Why haven't I gone back and corrected it? I have other things occupying my time both fanfics and original works. I prefer moving forward and not backward if you follow my meaning.
As this was my first piece of fanfic, I wanted to learn and experiment. The romance is rushed and Harry treats it more as a casual arrangement for a time which leads to anger and resentment from Susan. At times the story wanders off course and it takes awhile to get back on track. There are several things that could've been done differently with this story and I make note of them in the epilogue, but as a first piece goes, I'm rather proud of it.
Hopefully you will continue with it at some point and realize that even the author considers portions of it flawed, but if not, I hope you find something else more suitable to your tastes.~Jim
MonkeyAxman1302 posted a comment on Wednesday 5th December 2007 1:52am
At first you kind of think, no offence here, that this ending was a bit of wimper to an otherwise epic story. That last bit of ending was very nice though.
I've liked this story from the start, but it felt toward the end like you were forcing yourself to finish it. This has been a great ride and thanks for writing it.
I thought Voldemort died a little too easily but with the ending the way it is I can forgive that! Bravo! Again, thanks for writing!
Monkey
JBern replied:
I'll agree that the ending is a bit forced (well not the epilogue with Rufus and baby Voldy - that was written months ago). It was a matter of bringing the story to a conclusion. I learned a good deal from this story which will only help my stories in the future. Were I in the mood to rewrite it, I would 1)split the adventures of Charlie/Narcissa into a separate story. 2) End the original story with the trip on the Hogwart's express or Snape's death. Many people complained about the "lag" in the middle. Finishing with Snape's death would allow the story arc to start again and ramp up instead of slowing in the middle. Would it change much of the content? Probably not, but the change in the reader's perspective would probably make them less critical, if you follow my meaning?
Jim
Patches posted a comment on Friday 23rd November 2007 7:27pm
What a great story. I have enjoyed this story so much from the first time I started reading it. It was really different to have Harry paired with Susan instead of the usual suspects. I like the ending but I would really like to read an Epilog to this story. Especially one 19 years or so in the future. It also leaves the possibility of a new threat from an old enemy. Voldemort as Percy and Penelope's son is quite startleling. I would love to see how your work that out. Thanks so much for writing. I also look forward to updates on "Lies" and "Turn". Thank you so much and I would love to read the original stories you are working on to publish. Thanks again for sharing your tallent with those of us who can only consume your efforts. pms
JBern replied:
Thanks for the review. I'm just catching up on my replies now. If I do the epilogue, it'll be a while.
Regards~Jim
Wolfric posted a comment on Friday 23rd November 2007 4:38pm
Congratulations on finishing your fine story. I have enjoyed it. I think some of your other works suit my tastes a little more in that I like a little more humour but I can't fault your action scenes which I do so enjoy. Good luck on your future endeavours and Thank you for writing. W.
JBern replied:
Glad you enjoyed it even if it was a bit too dark for your complete liking.~Jim
James posted a comment on Friday 23rd November 2007 10:59am
Excellent story ... sometime in the distant future you may want to take a red pen to the story and streamline it?
As for your original work, friend of mine has published two historical/biographical books. Both made it onto the top ten and his agent & publisher after 18 months still haven't gotten back to him about the first fictional book he wrote!
Fuck the publishers, ever looked into self publishing?
JBern replied:
I don't honestly know if I would rewrite it. It was a long endeavor, but I prefer to go forward and not back. As for publishing, I'll stick to the small and indy publishers to try and make a name for myself rather than going the traditional route of trying to impress an agent followed by having the agent try to impress one of the big 6.
Essentially, it's a modified version of self-publishing. More on that later.
Thanks for the review. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.~Jim
slickrcbd posted a comment on Tuesday 20th November 2007 4:05pm
Is it just me, or are you trying to parallel the ending of the First World War here instead of the second? Well, maybe not exactly, as there are no crushing reparations being forced on Britain. The idea that the seeds of the next war are already being planted almost before the war is over. I think there's a different set of European wars that this paralles, but I only have taken one World History course back in high school, and can't remember what it is (the war, not the course).
JBern replied:
I wasn't really trying to parallel either. Most wars see an end to conflict. Very few see a resolution to that conflict. The winners and the losers seek to reposition themselves in a post war setting and I left it open ended to give you folks a nice place to indulge your own imagination.~Jim
Eric Oppen posted a comment on Tuesday 20th November 2007 6:13am
Wow. What. A. STORY!
Except for the punctuation issues, I thought it was excellent. And the end reminded me of the end of the first _Terminator_ movie.
"I'll be back."
JBern replied:
Yeah, my grammar and mechanics are still only average, but I like to think that I excel as a storyteller. Glad you enjoyed it.~Jim
LoganBlackisle posted a comment on Monday 19th November 2007 7:33am
*Very* nice ending, and an excellent chapter all in all.
Though, I did wonder; "a necromantic corpse detonation" am I just a geek or was that from Diablo II?
Anyway, great chapter, I'm looking forward the next installment in 'Turn Me Loose' or 'The Lie I've Lived' - whichever.
Logan Blackisle
JBern replied:
I played Diablo 2 for countless hours. Who doesn't love a good corspe explosion? Glad you enjoyed the story. I hope my future works impress you as much.~Jim
Patches posted a comment on Sunday 18th November 2007 5:11pm
Oh this is bad. Poor Neville has snapped. He has driven Pansy to kill Ginny and now he is in big trouble. On top of that Harry and Susan know someone used the necklace to force someone to do things they didn't want to do. His Uncle has fled the castle and Neville has attacked the Slytherins only to be killed himself. That is so sad. I know things are probably gong to become worse before they get better. Thanks for writing. pms
JBern replied:
The Neville story arc was good, but ultimately it did seem to distract from Harry in this story. In reality, I should have broken it out into it's own story, or broken Charlie/Narcissa into a seperate story.
Still, I'm pleased with the finished product.~Jim
Gulfbar posted a comment on Sunday 18th November 2007 10:31am
This was a great story!!!
The only things that weren't that good are the hole Evil Neville and dead Ginny thing.
But the rest was great :)
JBern replied:
Sorry you didn't like parts of it, but I'm pleased with the finished product. Glad you enjoyed it despite those parts.~Jim
David305 posted a comment on Saturday 17th November 2007 3:24pm
Very good story!
JBern replied:
Thanks again for all the reviews. I hope my other stories continue to impress you.~Jim
Brian Donnely posted a comment on Wednesday 26th December 2007 6:21am
JBern replied: