By JBern
Reviews
Heir of Gryffindor posted a comment on Wednesday 28th February 2007 4:47pm
Ooo, now we're getting darker. Not that this story has not had its serious moments, but now you've finally put the Boy Who Lived in a dire situation. did Harry voice his concerns about the horcux's location to Bill? It seems to me that Bill might should have listened to the one person who had a clear view of the psychopath's mind.
JBern replied:
He did, but he wasn't forceful enough. Bill's logic of 'follow the gold' has a certain appeal to it as well. I'm starting on the next chapter as soon as I finish catching up on replies.~Jim
MonkeyAxman1302 posted a comment on Tuesday 27th February 2007 6:58am
Wow!! Brutal chapter. Really liked that you started and ended it with a letter. Cocksure Harry to start and dejected Harry to end very stark contrast and very well written.
For a minute down int he vaults I thought Bill had been crushed by the avalanche thing just before Voldemort's voice boomed but it was like OMG at killing Maria. Really good way of bringing the reality of the situation back to us readers!
Its heading slightly darker, bit more like to fight but thats explainable by the situation that they're in and how it must be difficult to have irreverent comments in the face of certain death.
Thanks for writing, I look forward to more!
Monkey
JBern replied:
Glad you appreciated how I made the chapter flow. The battle was meant to be fast-paced, brutal and done in the 'fog of war' style. I hope I did not disappoint?
You should really have some Ax based scale for rating a chapter. Like I give this one four bloody axes out of five...
Jim
EricThorsen posted a comment on Monday 26th February 2007 1:46pm
Ouch... yeah things have gotten tougher, I just wonder what Harry and the Hellfighters are going to come up with next.
JBern replied:
I start laying out the next chapter today. You won't have to wonder for long. Thanks for the review.~Jim
nezza posted a comment on Monday 26th February 2007 5:55am
nice update if a little lacking in the plot development department but then i am not writing three really good fics at teh same time now am i?
keep up the good work and don't spread yourself too thin
JBern replied:
I could have gone on into the next scene, but I thought it detracted from the power of Maria's death. More plot starting today as I am starting on the next chapter. Stay tuned...
Jim
uthamm posted a comment on Monday 26th February 2007 3:54am
Nice. Dose of reality. We are dealing with LV after all. Too bad about the unrequited love between the 'pretty witch' and Hack . . . is that even possible?!? AHH! YOU MADE ME THINK ABOUT THAT AGAIN! I WAS OVER IT! OVER! I am guessing that LV made a serious enemy in Hack after killing the object of his longing from afar . . . You didn't say if Sanchez was impressed with rock throwing! Nice work - looking forward to more.
JBern replied:
Well they could always go find the body for Hack.... There how's that for disturbing? :P
I start laying out the next chapter as soon as I catch up on the rest of my replies.~Jim
Wonderbee31 posted a comment on Monday 26th February 2007 2:43am
That was an impressive chapter to say the least, with a lot of pain and suffering for Harry's group. After getting used to Maria, it felt bad that she died, and the way things are going, I wonder how much of the rest of the group will handle things now, as well as how Luna will react when she reads these two letters.
JBern replied:
I made an errant click and rated your review lower than it should have been, sorry. I am glad you enjoyed the chapter. One of these days you'll see Luna's response. I promise.~Jim
Crys posted a comment on Monday 26th February 2007 12:44am
Interesting that Harry's still writing Luna. And what he's saying is much more . . . friendly and calm than anything. I guess having someone to write to even if she can't write back is good for him. Even if it is a bit intellectually dishonest.
> Thundercloud’s Patronus is his eagle form.
Hmm. That has some psychological implications if you wanted to follow-up with it.
> If you hadn’t already been up in the cave, you thought he might have stuck it to the roof of the cave and put a fucking spotlight on it.
The very definition of egoism. And he'd do that for any other example of his power, but Horcruxes are different. They're only useful if they're intact, therefore hidden. I'm with Bill on this one.
Ah, now THAT is a good idea by LV. Go to the obvious place and set a trap for anyone following you.
On the other hand, LV is very clever. The Horcrux could still be down there, just buried deeper. After all, this layer of trap would also protect anything beyond it.
Once Collins is awake, I hope someone slaps him for that A-K. Well, maybe not. The fight wasn't going pretty and that WAS the quickest way to stop it. They were winning that war of attrition (they would've gotten rid of all the bones before all of them fell), but losing even one is a net loss for the good guys.
Anyway, looking forward to the next chapter.
JBern replied:
Harry knows he is being a bit 'mean' to Luna by writing when she can't write back, but remember there was a 3 week block where they hadn't written to each other. His last letter before the assault on the dead city was a confessional. He's kept writing because he feels like he needs to have something to cling to other than the surrounding despair.
Patronus comment --> not saying anything other than stick around...
More on the Horcrux location coming in the next chapter. More on Collins coming next chapter. In general, more coming next chapter. I'm starting on it today.~Jim
aemon_targaryen posted a comment on Sunday 25th February 2007 9:04pm
Wow-as always I love reading your story. So, the first human member of the expedition bites the dust. I wonder who else will follow? It seems like Collins is a likely candidate-I would hate to lose Bill, Kwan, or Thundercloud.
It's interesting to see the two totally different tones the ending and beginning letters to Luna have-nice stylistic touch, by the way. I hope that Luna appreciates the shit that Harry is going through. I wouldn't mind seeing Harry spend some R&R time with another girl after this expedition other than Luna though-she has no claim on him, and he rather deserves it :) .
One grammar error that sticks out-"the Goblins will get there transfer system"-their would be the correct one-I'm not a grammar whore, but things like that catch my eye.
I'm eager to see where this goes next. Slight tangent-I've been reading some SG-1/HP crossovers lately, and curse-breaker!Harry reminds me of the Harry-as-Daniel-Jackson thing that some stories use-although of course Harry does less translating and more blasting.
JBern replied:
I'll add it to my list of errors to be fixed at a later date. Yes more people will most likely be joining Sanchez on the Next Great Adventure. I will only guarantee that Harry lives to see the sequel.
I've, never read SG-1 fanfiction. If I wasn't writing so much, I probably would. I stopped watching SG-1 before last season. Though you may see a HP/Battlestar Galactica crossover after my current crop of stories is harvested.~Jim
ichtys posted a comment on Sunday 25th February 2007 7:35pm
Hi Jim.
Very nice chapter.
One thing I noticed was that the narrative is rather fragmented in some places. I don't know if that was intended, but I think the story will flow better if you work on that aspect in the future chapters. I like the suspicion you have introduced in the group. I don't think you have to turn the Goblins into backstabbing traitors, just keep it at a "nice" level of dis-trust.
It is too bad the next chapter doesn't show up when I click "next" in the chapter navigation.
Until next time.
Regards Ichtys
JBern replied:
Thanks for this and all your continued help at the AFC site.~Jim
Terry Swain posted a comment on Sunday 25th February 2007 2:07pm
great chapter. :)
JBern replied:
Thanks. I start on the next chapter today.~Jim
Patches posted a comment on Sunday 25th February 2007 2:07pm
A very good chapter. Sad and depressing in some ways. It is sad to lose anyone even an unpleasant person like Maria. She did redeem herself in a lot of ways as a member of the team. Collins loosing it was a surprise. Does Luna write Harry back soon? Can they communicate from this city with the journals or do they have to leave the city to be able to send the letters to the other journal? I look forward to the next chapter. Thanks for writing. pms
JBern replied:
Luna may already be writing back. Until the transfer system works, Harry and Bill can't send their journals outside of the wards to updated. I am starting on the next chapter today.~Jim
Wolfric posted a comment on Sunday 25th February 2007 11:36am
Another good chapter. You have quite the talent for action sequences. Please keep them coming and thanks for all your efforts.
JBern replied:
Thanks. I am starting on the next chapter today.~Jim
Jim_xinu posted a comment on Sunday 25th February 2007 8:48am
Hmmmm... I don't really have a lot to say about this chapter.
Still, it was a good chapter. Thanks for sharing it with us.
JBern replied:
Thank you for reviewing and for all your previous reviews. I hope that you couldn't come up with anything because of the overall quality. I'd like to think I am getting better. :)
Jim
Manatheron posted a comment on Sunday 25th February 2007 7:21am
Yikes.... Good chapter, But kind of a Downer. Losing a party member to a trap like that would suck, and Knowing the bill you wrote, if harry mentioned even in passing that he doubted there was anything in the vaults then Bill is going to beat himself up over it cuase her 'Should have listened'. I get the feeling that this is going to be a major blow for moral Partywide, and I also have a really bad feeling that the goblins aren't going to get the transfer system working till the last minute and the party is going to lose more people (one of whom will sacrifice himself to get harry back though.)(Probably Thundercloud, It's what I'd most likely do.)
Anyways, I cant wait to see what luna's reaction is going to be if/when she finally sees harry again :)
Keep up the excellent work!
Manatheron
JBern replied:
Bill is going to be pissed regardless. He doesn't like getting beaten. The moral is down and yes it is likely that more will be joining Maria on the Next Great Adventure. I am starting on the next chapter as soon as I finish my review replies, which would be right now....~Jim
cyberpurple posted a comment on Sunday 25th February 2007 5:24am
Another wonderful chapter, well written and kept me on the edge of my seat for the whole time I was reading it. Are things going to get tougher still? I am very curious to see what happens next! Thank you for taking the time to write this.
JBern replied:
Thanks. I start laying out the next chapter today. I appreciate that you find my work to be compelling and yes things will continue to get tougher. Would you really want it any other way?~Jim
Lufio posted a comment on Saturday 24th February 2007 10:57pm
Ow. The mental attrition is getting really bad. And they've barely started exploring the city. I wonder what other horrors and challenges you're going to spring on the protagonists (and the readers)?
Will they still go after the rest of the nearby vaults? Are they going to take Voldemort's words at face value? What else will they find as they go deeper into the vaults? Questions like these will hopefully be answered in the next chapter, right?
JBern replied:
By now Harry knows not to take anything Voldemort says at face value. More on that next chapter.
Many have compared the feel of the story to those first person shooter games like Quake or Doom. Well as the game goes on, each level gets ... more difficult. That should answer your other question.~Jim
Kinsfire posted a comment on Saturday 24th February 2007 4:48pm
I have a sneaking suspicion that there will be apologies coming from the other direction as well, especially when Luna reads this last entry.
I find myself wondering if Harry is right about it being in the Ministry Atrium - right where everyone can look at it and not know that they're looking at it.
Excellent work here.
JBern replied:
Thanks. I'm sure Luna will be apologizing at some point, assuming she took the journal to Hogwarts.
More on the location of the Horcrux next chapter.~Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Saturday 24th February 2007 3:48pm
> Remember, Harry is a bit dazed and confused just coming out of falling
> asleep. He was concentrating on Collins and his screaming.
No-uh, not buying that! Harry watching the goblins' reactions should be a natural consequence of him sharing Collins' suspictions or as you have him put it, 'being unable to refute them'. If Harry's awake enough to notice Collins being hold back by his teammates, Harry's also awake enough to glance over to the goblins and gauge their reactions. Harry just completely ignoring the goblins like that shatters suspension of disbelief IMO. If you don't want to reveal too much about the goblins yet, fine, but I think Harry should at least acknowledge their reactions, to however minor a degree.
> The story will conclude in 4-6 chapters. The last 2 chapters will be
> back in the real world as it were. So the answer to your question is 2
> to 4 chapters of tomb lovin fun.~Jim
Thanks for the info. But what about my question about the response to the diary? Did you choose to ignore that one? ;)
Quizer
JBern replied:
The Gobs were there and perhaps I didn't present as clear of a scene as I should have It will be touched on more next chapter. You are correct that Hary should be more attentive, but in my defense, he was exhausted after 4 hours of digging himself out of a cave in as well as slightly traumatized by the violent death of Sanchez. and concerned about the fragile mental health of Collins.
Luna will respond at some point before the end of the story. I don't want to say anymore at this point about that scene. Yes, I was ignoring it.~Jim
Sterling posted a comment on Saturday 24th February 2007 3:33pm
It's wonderful seeing an update tonight. I had to drive to work in some of the nastiest freezing rain I've ever seen. Having a new chapter to read was a definite mood-lifter after that. Thanks mate and keep up the good work :-)
JBern replied:
First off, drive safely. I live in a part of the US that only sees snow about once every 2 years and it's a major event down here. Shuts damn near everything down. I've lived up North too. Problem is people can barely drive in normal rain down here. I'd hate to see what they'd do with an ice storm.
This is the first review that has identified this chapter as a mood lifter. Everyone else seems to be discovering how much they'll miss Sanchez. I'm glad I can offer a mood lifter.~Jim
Aaran St Vines posted a comment on Friday 2nd March 2007 2:10am
JBern replied: