By JBern
Reviews
ichtys posted a comment on Wednesday 10th January 2007 9:32am
Hi Jim.
Re-reading this chapter for I-don't-know-how-many-times, I only just noticed the relation between the chapter title and Harry's "final" words.Five Minutes to live.
and"Five more minutes — just give me five more minutes."
I know Harry is talking about being left alone to sleep for a little longer, but I just got a WOW experience re-reading the chapter, that the reader could interpret it as Harry is asking for just five more minutes to live.
Very well done.
Another thing I was wondering about is the comment about Harry only being on one date, and that was a disaster. I assume you mean the date with Cho in OotP, but what about his dates with Amy? Shouldn't they count for something?
Oh well, It is still a brilliant first chapter of a great story.
Regards Ichtys.
JBern replied:
Thanks. Glad you caught the true meaning of chapter 1's title. For the rest, I am going to copy and paste my response to Quizzer about the potential plotholes in chapter 1 written last March when I was only going to spend 9-10 chapters instead of 16 to get Harry back to chapter 1.
I'll take the potential plot holes one by one.
Dating - Harry considers his only true date to be him going out with Cho. With Amy he went clubbing with her and her sisters. Or they met up in private and screwed each other silly. It was group dating intermixed with sexual rendezvous. Same goes for Karina. Chico or someone else was always around excecpt when they were doing the horizontal bop.
The "girl you were smitten with" comment - Originally, Karina was closer to Harry's age along the lines of 20-21. It was only later that I changed her to be roughly 10 years older than Harry. I'll probably change it to be female instead of girl.
Friends - It was meant to be Luna, but I changed my mind along the way, when I decided that Harry and Luna's friendship needed some strife. As Fleur's character has evolved (when she first shows up in Brazil - in the original plans she never came there. I'm glad I made that change! The story would be much less without her.), she became the friend back in England and yes she can be a hell raiser if she wants to be. She knows that Bill is informing the Order that he has had Harry the whole summer. She knows the whole story from the doping with love potions to the wording of the prophecy. How much she intends to do about it is something I shall ponder.
Glad you took the time to comment. I hope my answers are satisfactory.~Jim
glorfy posted a comment on Tuesday 9th January 2007 2:11pm
woot! another update of much coolness.
this has to be the first time ive read a (good) story where luna acts like and angry angry girl. cant wait to see how it goes
JBern replied:
Thanks. Technically, she has a lot to be angry for.... Next update in 2 weeks.~Jim
Loopy Dane posted a comment on Tuesday 9th January 2007 8:07am
damn that is cool. Is that it? Or does it continue?
Either way, great story.
Thank you for sharing your time and talent with us.
-Loop
JBern replied:
It's got another 6-8 chapters before the conclusion of this story and the sequel starts.~Jim
nezza posted a comment on Tuesday 9th January 2007 3:08am
DUDE AGAIN GREAT UPDATE
can not wait to see where your going to take this either, also please ensure that funbags granger and the gang get whats coming to them even if it is in the sequel.
maybe harry can use bill's mumification ritual from your other fic. that would be cool. very cool, or maybe he could threaten them with it and make them his bithces?
anyway enough from twisted mind
good work and keep it up.
JBern replied:
Sounds a little cruel for the Harry in this story. Maybe he'll get Kwan to teach him what he used on the two Lakota women that 'propositioned' him back in South Dakota? Thanks for the review. Next update in 2 weeks.~Jim
cyd posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 9:35pm
Oh, and just one more thing - why do I have the sneaky suspicion that the Horcrux will not be in the vaults? If that indeed proves to be the case - looking forward to mass zombie-clearing efforts and some more Goblin-dealing (involving a particular Goblin ghost perhaps? who knows).
JBern replied:
There seems to be a bit of speculation on that. You'll have to wait and see.~Jim
cyd posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 9:30pm
Well, well, well, what do we have here?
Having read the previous reviews so as not to repeat myself, I will have to agree here with one of the reviewers from DLP - i am truly terrified. Up to now, I daresay I had a pretty good idea where you were taking events, and now - it's as if there is a whole new story waiting to be written, and I don't know which way it will go.
I hope you will queue in more cursebreaking as the party goes searching through the vaults, simply because I do enjoy your perspective on the whole business, and your rune combinations are a fascinating read - I am still waiting for Bill's revenge, you know!
I like how you've developed your OC's - though, no doubt, having the second person point of view and allowing us "to hear" Harry's thoughts helped a bit in that regard. I disagree with the reviewer who said earlier that Collins in particular felt more like a stopgap to fulfill a purpose - well, he is the one member of the party (Sanchez also to some extent) with whom Harry had very little interaction until very recently, so I can understand the reason for his "sketchiness".
Also, I think you have the Harry-Luna interaction spot on. Any sort of long-distance interaction between two people who can only exchange written messages is bound to run into some snags occassionally - the written word somehow is just not enough. Add to that a person who is frustrated and looking for a fight, well, let's just say they will find a fight no matter what. I will miss these brief interludes from the action, but I am looking forward to the resolution of this issue at the end of the story.
That being said, I didn't quite want this story to end too soon and I was encouraged by your slow progress through the lyrics. However, if I remember my JT right (ok, I don't and I had to look it up), you are only halfway through the song, and I already can't wait for the sequel.
Add a fourth clone to that list - one that would exlusively work on BitJ :). That being said, I will not ask for a faster update, but only wish you that you have as much fun writing your stories as we have reading them.
Cyd
JBern replied:
Thanks for taking the time for a long review. Ah the uncertain future where will it lead....
More curse breaking is a promise. Not only will they have to get passed the traps Riddle may have left, but who is to say that the Goblins themselves don't have traps laying around still in place. Who would bother to document the defenses of a Bank that has been lost since the 1960's.
I won't necessarily use every line from the song. As stated, I only plan for 6-8 more chapters of this story before the sequel. If I use song title names, I am looking at The Eagles (Desperado or Take it to the Limit), Jethro Tull (Locomotive Breath) and Rainbow (Since you've Been Gone - not Kelly Clarkson's song of the same title). Rainbow's lyrics actually include the line "You cast a spell, so break it." which is rather fitting. Great late 70's early 80's rock song.
Thanks again and hope to see more reviews from you in the future.~Jim
the_silent_legend posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 7:45pm
Solid Chapter. The last few chapters in both this and your other story have impressed me, and I've been a bit...turned off of HP fanfiction as of late. Your works, as well as some of the other works featured on DLP (and here, of course) have helped change that. Now, enough over-the-top praise, time for an actual review. =>
Harry...I like. His emotions, his thoughts, his actions...they are all flushed out amazingly well through using second person, which is certainly a rare find. Only thing that I didn't think was terribly Harry-like was the repeated sleeping with Amy. Yes, I realize that it's a separate-worlds type thing, where it's just physical release... but I can't see him doing it again, after his monologue with himself about Luna and spite... it doesn't quite fit.
Luna...I both like and loathe. As a fictional character, I find her fascinating. Intelligent and acerbic, yet very vulnerable. Yet... I'm not sold on 'looney' being as much of an act as you have it to be. You write 'Luna' as an incredible character...it just doesn't feel like Luna. Not sure what you can do there, except perhaps flesh her out even more, when they meet in person.
Bill and Fleur are solid. I've always been intruiged with the possibilities that Bill's job offered, and you've managed to do a nice job with the warding end. SexualDeviant!Fluer is a riot, great to read. In this chapter, she shows worth that I didn't quite expect, magically, through her memory charms teachings... nice twist.
His tutors are solid, though perhaps a bit more depth to them would have been nice, particurally the hitwizards. They are better fleshed out than most 'extra' characters, but... they seem to just suit a role. Especially Collins.
Full Cycle. Second Person. Cursebreaking. Unique Pairing. Fundamentally sound writing. Manipulation. Sarcasm. Toss in pot, stir, and you get one of the top 3 fics I've ever read. Keep it up.
~The Silent Legend
JBern replied:
Thank you for the long and well thought out review. As for your assessment of Harry, his dalliance with Amy was purely physical. Hell, he could have been proxying Amy for Luna. Notice he steered clear of the offers from Sheila. He isn't ready for another Witch in his bed. He isn't ready for a serious relationship.
With Luna, I haven't found my ability to write 'crazy for the sake of crazy'. I can write pathological crazy just fine. (Not sure what that says about me?) I haven't been able to properly portray Luna in her craziness. In my other story, I essentially killed her off and in this one, I made Looney a mask that Luna wears to hide her anger and fear. With one of my upcoming projects, I will attempt to correct that flaw in my skills. I plan to write a one-shot with Luna bumping into Ginny outside Flourish & Botts. Their cauldrons spill and Luna ends up with the diary of Tom Riddle. The story will be a purely humorous romp of the Diary trying to convince Luna to do the things it wants her to do with often bizarre results. I look forward to writing it.
In so many other stories Bill is depicted as 'cool', but rarely do you find one where he is actually being 'cool'. There's a line I want to put in the next chapter where Harry is finally back on his feat after exhausting himself in the lobby. They go up to look outside. Harry asks Bill how many are out there. Bill says 'the enitre Bolivian army' in a reference to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. That's the kind of friendship I am aiming for with Harry and Bill, something along the lines of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon series. How close I get is a measure of my skill as a writer.
Using logical thinking, Fleur should be good at Memory charms. Usually, when she's some kind of deviant, she's part of a harem or a duo with Tonks.
The other characters - Collins and Sanchez probably get the short end of the stick, though Harry has been spending a bit of time with Collins trying to master the shotgun. The other two get the lion's share of the attention and character development.
I hope to continue to exceed your expectations.~Jim
Matt Harris posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 7:36pm
Allow me to add my accolades on another excellent chapter. One of the best things I like about this fic is the letters, and these, while painful are excellent. It is interesting that Harry hasn't quite given up on Luna. Also, I think his last letter to her perfectly recreates the melancholy tone in the first chapter.
In response to aemon_targaryen's comment about Kwan being like Remo William's mentor (named Chiun, btw), there are some similarities. Chiun is Korean, a killer, not given to outward displays of sentiment, and is quite fond of insulting his pupil. IIRC, "a pale piece of a pig's ear" is Chiun's favorite.
Lastly, I am getting the feeling that the Horcrux isn't in a vault. Harry's luck is more painful than that.
JBern replied:
Thanks for the compliments. The letters will continue, but they'll be a bit one-sided for now. All in all it was pretty easy to bring the story back full circle. I probably drew some unconcious inspiration from Chiun when concocting Kwan. I wanted a slightly younger and much more twisted version of Mr. Miyagi, but Chiun works rather well.~Jim
JVTazz posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 5:22pm
excellent chapter :)
JBern replied:
Thanks. Next update in 2 weeks.~Jim
Finbar posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 4:39pm
Holy Crap! That last bit was one of the most suspenseful bit of writings that I have ever read. Absolutely brilliant! Yes, I did immediately go back and read the first chapter again!
I love how he has changed so far over the course of the story, he has matured and grown up. He certainly is calm in what may be his final letter. Now i'm on tenderhooks for the next chapter.
JBern replied:
I am glad you appreciate the gradual change that Harry has undergone. Readers can now look at chapter 1 in a new light, which was the whole point of putting chapter 1 out there in the first place.~Jim
Nyghthawk28 posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 4:06pm
I see it has finally come full circle. ^_^
I'm looking forward to what is ahead for our hero & friends.
I also wanted to complement you on giving us a look into the true working conditions and environment of a curse breaker. It's one thing to mention the job its another to walk in a cursebreake's boots.
Quite simply...
You ROCK!!!!!!!!!
JBern replied:
I always figured if I were a magical person, I'd want to be a Breaker. Hopefully, it will inspire other curse breaking Harry stories. Thanks for the review.~Jim
Renzo7 posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 3:28pm
You know, I'd written a nice, really long review, and after I clicked the submit button it got lost... I'm too lazy to write it all down again, so keep up the great work, as always, this was an awesome chapter. I anxiously await your next chapter.
JBern replied:
Well in that case, I will thank you for reviewing even if the long one was lost and for all the previous reviews you have given.~Jim
ruby tripton posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 3:28pm
I loved this chapter - well, I am loving the whole crazy story so that is no shock...
WOW! A Harry that doesn't always knows just the right thing to say? Yes he flirts better, but he still trips up. Thank you for not using the poetic sprouting-smooth talking Harry that is seen so often here at FFA.net.
While I am interested in seeing how things play out between Harry and Hermione & Co. I can't see thing ever being sunshine and roses with them... even if they really only had his best interest at heart they were still manipulating him (and drugging and obliviating!) After this summer I can't see him just falling back with them...
cant wait for the next chapter!
JBern replied:
Thanks for the review. All those questions will have to wait for the sequel, there's still lots of adventure left in this one.~Jim
dunder41 posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 2:22pm
Thanks for amouther good chapter, this has been an extreamly good read so far keep up the good work.
JBern replied:
Thank you. I appreciate the compliments. Next update in 2 weeks.~Jim
jzysman posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 2:10pm
DUDE!! I mean wow! awesome chapter! This is probably the absolute first time I would want you to break from the second person to see Luna's actual reaction to Harry's last message... Thanks for the work.
JBern replied:
Nah. Maybe for the epilogue I would consider breaking from the pov, but I doubt it. Thanks for the review.~Jim
ShadeHawk posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 11:31am
and a stunner wrapped in a vomiting hex which has the potential to make the target choke on their own bile. Even Kwan looks interested in that one.
This one is lethal!. If you choke on your own bile, and some vomit goes to lungs, even if you don't choke to death there is high possibility of acid in vomit destroying surfactant in the lungs surface.
The things you know thanks to sister which is interested in medicine...
JBern replied:
Thought you would like it. The changing times should be part of the magical world. Things that were okay 50 or 100 years ago aren't necessarily acceptable now. ~Jim
loralee posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 10:32am
Shock aZulu *groan* wonderful spell really uh steal worthy :) Great chpt full circle. I'm looking forward to the rest. I hope the last message to Luna got through to her. I also like that you have Harry not being really good with guns. Make more sense than superpower Harry master armsman.
JBern replied:
Yeah! I got a groan from someone!!!!! Glad you appreciated the chapter. I'll do my best to not disappoint not that we're in the last part of the story. Harry should have his flaws. Next update in 2 weeks.~Jim
Ken Warner posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 10:32am
i will take the suggestion to go and re-read ch 1 - maybe I can make sense out of it now. I have certainly been glad that I kept with the story to this point, It has been an excellent ride.
thanks for sharing the original way you think with us.
Warm regards
JBern replied:
Hopefully it will. For the most part the continuity is seemless. Quizzer was nice enough to point out a few things that don't jibe 100% with the chapter written 10 months ago.~Jim
Fishburne posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 10:31am
now that I have the fanboy response out of the way...
Love the "Incredible Melting Friendship", and its corresponing "Whiny-ass Bitchslap From the Edge"
I especially dug the whole Benny Hill-Esque routine with Amy and Harry.
I really am enjoying this style of writing. Keep up the awesomeness.
Looking forward to the 22nd.
Fish
JBern replied:
At first I really wanted to go overboard with the Benny Hill routine. It just didn't fit. I'm pleased how it turned out, but know that someone with the comedic skills of Nonjon could have done it much better. (He has a Smallville fic out called the Incredibly Dense Mind of Lois Lane which will make you laugh very hard! Trust me!)
Glad you enjoyed it. Stay tuned for more.~Jim
ichtys posted a comment on Wednesday 10th January 2007 10:08am
JBern replied: