fyrecat posted a comment on Friday 26th December 2008 11:16am

Finally, we've come full circle! Yay for Bill & Fleur. I hope everything works out with Luna. I was hoping that Harry would score all 3 of the Canadian girls, but that was still a funny scene.

Thanks as always for sharing this story with us all!

Editorial notes:

"...mention you’re situation to Fred and George."
- "your", not "you're"
- "you're" = you are

"They’ll be able to pass it into Dumbledore’s organization."
- pass it *on* to Dumbledore's...

"...exercises to further continue frustrate you."
- continue *to* frustrate you.

"School is starting up again next soon, ..."
- when is next soon? is that between August and September?

"You’re hung up on the semi-crazy girl you didn’t sleep with would think..."
- hung up on *what* the semi-crazy ..."

"They reminds you of the small handheld mirror..."
- It reminds you...

"...and gesturing towards picture."
- towards *the* picture.

"Dumbledore isn’t showing up with the calvary this time."
- cavalry. Calvary is the name of the hill where Jesus Christ was crucified. (If you believe all that Catholic propaganda.)

fyrecat posted a comment on Friday 26th December 2008 9:16am

Another great chapter!
It looks like the Karina situation is neatly tied up. The letters from Luna are very believable. - did you get a female friend to write these for you?

I missed the rest of the cursebreaking crew this chapter and last. I'm looking forward to their return.

It's good to see that Frau Blucher found a new job.

Keep up the great work! and Thanks again.

Editorial notes:

"You’ve didn’t feel that..."
- You didn't...

"...you retrieve your back of galleons."
- bag of galleons

"You sit next in a comfortable chair next to her bed."
- delete the first 'next'.

"...resist the corruption goes with this new life."
- corruption that goes with...

fyrecat posted a comment on Friday 26th December 2008 8:06am

Nice cliffhanger. Bastard. ;D

I like the relationship that Harry and Luna are developing.

The tunnels were an obvious and humorous twist.

Still loving this story.

Thanks!

Editorial notes:
"I need to get passed this problem."
- should be 'past' not 'passed'.
- 'passed' is past tense of 'to pass'
- past is a preposition, it describes a location. In this case, the conceptual location that Harry wants to get to.

""I can believe the idiots didn’t extend their wards below ground."
- should be 'I can't believe..."

"Goblins loath magical travel."
- loathe
- http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/loathe

" The do most of it by Portkey..."
- They

"Miguel wraps up his little insulting little speech"
- too many 'littles' in the same sentence, I'd just drop the first one.

fyrecat posted a comment on Friday 26th December 2008 6:02am

Yikes! Sanchez's used underwear! Ugh!!! Very motivational -In a horrific kind of way.

I feel bad for Karina. I hope she goes to North Dakota, although one of the southern states might be kinder climate-wise.

I've been meaning to mention for a while now how much I like your take on rune warding and animage/us stuff.
The rune use scheme seems very logical, it reminds me of rune magic in the Rifts game.
The Animage/us stuff is VERY similar to how real world shamanic totem magic works. It's how I always felt that the whole process *should* be.

Editorial notes:

"I stop by and see her morning."
- I stopped by and saw her this morning?

"Remus had been writing in the Bill’s journal..." ? - in the counterpart to bills journal?

"...a relatively simple applied to runes sewn into clothing..."
- there's a missing word. A simple *what*?

"From what little information you have about these rebels is that their leader is a female."
- ...about these rebels, their leader...

"As you cast another cutter in defense of one your out numbered goblins and summon a snake."
- get rid of the 'As'
"...in defense of one your..."
- in defense of one of your...

fyrecat posted a comment on Thursday 25th December 2008 9:06pm

"No. Hack’s dick hurt." LOL!!!
I shudder to think of *why*. Are there magical STDs? Is it just common troll um... acts that lead to that state? - please don't answer that.

On an editorial note, this is the second chapter with no real issues! Impressive! In did catch an incorrect use of 'then' where a 'than' should have been, but otherwise it was perfect!

Well, I'm on to the next chapter now!
Thanks!

fyrecat posted a comment on Thursday 25th December 2008 7:40am

LOL!!! "I told her that I was never scared. The dragon was chasing you." LOL!!!

Great chapter! Lots of cool character development.

"You are fighting the coming darkness now." - Subtly plugging your own stories? haha.

Editorial notes:
"Why are the other’s staring at me?"
- others - no '.

"so might as well role with it."
- roll with it.

"Like influx of fresh blood is going to reinvigorate this stagnate culture." - stagnated -OR- stagnant. Stagnant is better.

"...and some actually by that whole..." - buy

"You’d leave to if you had anywhere to go." - you'd leave too.
The base meaning of 'to' is toward.
'too' means 'also,' 'as well.'

"Thundercloud’s home bares no real resemblance to..."
-bears no resemblance...
- Bares = gets naked, exposes.
- Bears = carries
- Bears also means more than one bear.

"...has always been rebellious child." - been a rebellious child.

"I think it was the craving for support and acceptance was behind her sudden interest..."
- ...that was behind...

"Though making such broad judgments based will most likely..."
- broad-based judgments ...

"...to apply the thickened blood, sap, blood, and vomit goop to your."
- to your *what*? - there's a word missing from this sentence.

Thanks!

fyrecat posted a comment on Thursday 25th December 2008 5:55am

I still am loving this story. Dodgespell is actually pretty close to the game I am putting in the fic I'm working on! I'm excited to find out what Harry's animal form will be, and I really like the ceremony. it makes more sense than the 'European way". I'm also liiking forward to seeing the events leading up to chapter 1 and DYING to find out what happens next!

Editorial notes:
"...not sure exactly why you have done that requires her forgiveness..."
- ...what you have done..."

"...you head back to the hotel I relative silence..."
- ...in relative silence..."

"With that agreed on everyone, grasps the Portkey to your next destination."
- with that agreed on, everyone...

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 6:29pm

I like dodgespell! fun chapter.

Only one typo that I noticed:

"Since you have not real skills in this area..."
- no real skills...

Thanks!

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 5:24pm

interesting and funny. well done as usual. But don't go insulting Monty Python!

Editorial notes:

"...as you continue to sketching and tracing..." - loose the 'to'.

"...the last two methods work surprising well against most opponents." - Surprisingly

"From their, the two of you..."
- there. 'their' = belonging to them.

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 4:27pm

Very funny! I love all the movie and song references! And the funny names! LOL!!! So what kind of animagus will James Black be?

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 3:19pm

Wonderful chapter! Lots of laughs, a little euphemistic smut, and an interesting plot thread! Woo hoo!

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 2:22pm

And the plot thickens...
I like the Canadian girls. great touch.

I'm really enjoying this story!

OK editorial comments time:
"Now that I have introduced to the real you,..." - have been introduced

"Your letting this whole issue distract you..."
- you are letting = you're letting.
'Your' means 'belongs to you.'

"...she pretty much roles her eyes."
- rolls

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 1:33pm

Great story! I'm really digginfg the 'inside scoop' so to speak into harry's head! Oh, and what a fun plot!

I love Luna asking Snape about greasy hair! LOL!

More editorial notes: Wow! What a HUGE improvement over 'Coming Darkness!"
I only found 2 mistakes.

breach / breech - typo, or legitimate spellling error? we may never know...
-and-
Another instance of misuse of then / than in the last paragraph here.

Thanks!

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 12:56pm

HAHA!! I LOVE this Luna! Shouldn't Harry have gone to gringotts and told then to freeze his money or something? Ah well...
Great story!

Editorially, I noticed that you seem to occasionally choose the wrong homonym. there/their/they're, Stairs / stares, etc.
that's a common problem ,and easily fixed by looking up each version in the dictionary.

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 11:54am

Whoa! What change of pace! And what a fukt up situation!
Awesome story so far!

fyrecat posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 11:06am

Cool! I like it! HP meets Indiana Jones indeed!
Interesting experiment with 2nd person. I'm quite enjoying it.
I love the whole 'whast's going on in harry's/your head?' angle. This is really fun!
Already I see a HUGE improvement in the technical aspect of your writing skills over "Coming Darkness"! There were only 2 or 3 spelling / typo errors.
Well done!

JBern replied:

Holy crap!   You've reviewed this one too!   I'm in trouble...

hpkuarg posted a comment on Wednesday 24th December 2008 5:26am

Excellent story! Had me at the edge of my bean bag. I'm wary of stories in second person, but I think you make it work here---it really adds to the pace and confusion of the story. I'll jump immediately to the sequel now. Thanks!

JBern replied:

Thank you for the compliments.   I am glad you enjoyed the story and I hope you are enjoying TML as well.   Sorry for the delayed reply.   I'm only now catching up on my replies.~Jim

Ezra'eil posted a comment on Sunday 21st December 2008 3:16am

Christ man, I have never seen a fight scene so well written that was this long! I applaud you!

JBern replied:

Looks like I'm all caught up with you now.   Thank you for the compliments on my fight scene skills.~Jim

Ezra'eil posted a comment on Saturday 20th December 2008 6:00pm

You know it is sad that there are not more stories where Harry is friends with one of the older Weasley's instead...

JBern replied:

Yes, it's the great catch up on all my replies night at my house.   You'll obviously be getting at least one more from me.   Thanks~Jim

dimriver posted a comment on Wednesday 3rd December 2008 2:03pm

I'm glad you really enjoyed writing this because I really enjoyed reading it. Darn daemon just shrugging off a killing curse, and seeing the future, bloody cheater.

JBern replied:

And the Daemon isn't done yet...