By JBern
Reviews
Fishburne posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 10:16am
You Rock
Completely
Fanboy for at least the next 2 hours,
Fish - The other pink meat
JBern replied:
Well in that case, I'm glad I responded within the 2 hour fanboy window! Thanks for the review. Next update in 2 weeks.~Jim
coronal posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 9:55am
As much as I enjoy To Fight the Coming Darkness, this story is SO great! It's funny, incredibly sarcastic, and it's always nice to see that Harry actually has real, legitimate power that doesn't stem from him being an Heir to somebody important, but comes from his own willpower.
Love it, love it, can't wait for the next update.
JBern replied:
Thank you for the compliments. I wanted to have him work for his power. How much it helps him in a ruined city infested with dead things we'll see. Next update in 2 weeks.~Jim
Particle_Accelerator posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 9:29am
Kick-ass chapter!
Loved how the shit hit the fan with Luna, and how he owned up to things at the end, and gave a last goodbye. Rather melancholy, but appropriate. Am a bit disappointed he jumped into bed with Amy, but what's a lonely guy gonna do, eh? So, what of Hermione & Ginny & Ron? Are we going to see Dumbledore's reaction to Molly's meddling? Will we see why Albus wanted Hermione & Harry together? Will Harry ever be able to reconcile with Hermione & Ron (notice that I left out my most hated character in terms of reconciliation)? I know, a LOT of questions, but just chalk it up to your brilliance as a writer. I NEED to know more about this adventure! My only complaint is that you "sail the ship that sailed" and this won't become a Kinsfire-esque Harry/Luna/Hermione fic. Gotta love those brilliant minds! ;P
JBern replied:
Well, Harry needed a distraction. He was skittish enough at what Sheila was pretty much offering up, but knew anything with Amy would be transient. The answers to your questions are out there, you'll just have to wait to find them out. You could even look at my answers to Kinsfire for some speculation. Plus you never know what is going to happen here.~Jim
Kinsfire posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 9:28am
I find myself rather curious about the Hermione thing, to be honest. In canon, she's never quite struck me that way, and I admit that I find myself wondering if Albus did the usual manipulative!DD story thing of "Well, it's for the greater good, and it's not REALLY an Imperius..." on the girls...
Part of it is that I can't see the girl who was willing to buck the school and be the ONLY one to believe that Harry wasn't lying about the Goblet of Fire - I can't see her being willing to throw his friendship away (which she had to know she'd be doing if he found out) for two years of Head Girl and access to some new books.
It's your story, but with the panache that you're dealing with Luna and such, I can't help but think that Harry will learn some interesting truths when he returns home - and possibly owe at least one of the group an apology.
JBern replied:
For the answers it will have to wait for the sequel. This one ends with Harry and whoever is left returning to England. Hermione will probably have things to answer for. Harry will probably have things to answer for. One thing is certain - Dumbledore will have things to answer for.
Perhaps her discomfort at the situation was what led her to readily switching to Ginny so quickly. Maybe her plan was to use the Head Girl position to insulate Harry from the rest of the school? For that matter, Ron never actually appears in the story. He was always away at camp. Perhaps like a true friend, he couldn't stomach what was being done to Harry and was detained elsewhere? Then again, perhaps not. The thing is, Harry hasn't allowed himself to be open to these possibilities and from this style of storytelling, the reader has only access to Harry's thoughts and ideas. I like keeping my readers guessing.
Thanks for the review. Glad you continue to enjoy the story and get a bit of food for thought.~Jim
Jim_xinu posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 8:55am
Excellent! Nice to come back full circle.
The line from chapter one: "You’ve been on exactly one date." Isn't terribly accurate anymore, is it? Maybe one date under his own name? Or ignore it--it's not that important.
I must say that I'm surprised Karina & son lived. But then, the body count for 'good guys' is much lower in this story than Darkness.
Harry's real identity is getting to be less and less secret. I certainly wouldn't trust the local Don to keep it secret if he finds out. And I don't know why the local Goblins wouldn't pass it on--I assume there's money involved somewhere.
Great chapter, thanks for sharing it with us.
JBern replied:
Thanks. See my comments to Quizzer for clarification on the one date line. He did a nice job of dissecting chapter 1 for conflicts created by the ongoing storyline.
Harry's id probably won't last too much longer. Bill with Harry's approval let the Order know exactly where Harry is and why. I'll probably have to write that letter and include it in the next chapter for your amusement.
Jim
gadriam posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 8:49am
Phew. (does anyone really say that?)
That was bloody intense. The chapter started with the Insensitive Prat World Cup, and ended in the bloody Iliad. The sideshow of the Canadian Dad was quite hilarious, and highlighted his growth in a great non-violent way.
Furthermore, i think Catbrain is a GREAT name.
Thanx, and keep'em coming.
g
JBern replied:
I believe it's because you originated it if I recall correctly. If it hadn't fit in the chapter, I originally wanted to turn the whole scene with Amy, her dad and Harry into something like a good old Benny Hill skit. Cue the music......
Jim
cmatbmed posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 8:47am
Great Story. Loved the last letter to Luna. I wonder if this will pull her out.
And you have to let harry meet up with Shelia, what self respecting young man wouldn't shag anything that he could, it just goes against nature to have him hold back.
JBern replied:
Thanks for the compliments. Harry and Sheila? I don't know. The thing with Amy was safe and harmless. They quite literally live in 2 seperate worlds. After the physical relationship with Karina and the emotional one with Luna, Harry is a little gunshy with magical females at the moment.~Jim
aemon_targaryen posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 8:37am
I must say, this is one of the few stories I remain interested in that involve the Harry Potter 'Verse(props to nonjon!)-JKR has made a botch of things. I originally was a reader of your other story, and didn't start reading this one until quite recently-for some reason, the title and description on FF.net didn't interest me at all. Eventually I caved, and I'm glad that I did. I like this style of writing-it's rarely used and offers an interesting twist on the storytelling. I like that Harry and Luna don't automagically fall in "Twu Wuv" and make babies and live happily ever after. The original betrayal was quite plausible for most of the characters, but I would like to see more about Hermione's rationale-she seemed least likely to do something like this at that point in canon (post year 5). I sometimes have a problem with stories that have an abundance of OCs, but I enjoy your yours very much-especially Kwan, who vaguely reminds me of the old man in "Remo Williams", which I can barely remember watching when I was a kid. I'm curious to see what direction you're going to take this story in, especially when Harry has to go back to the UK. I look forward to reading more from you.
JBern replied:
Thank you for the compliments. You might also appreciate Jack of Diamonds "Harry Potter and the Hero's Path" or Shezza88's "Resistance of Azkaban" both are very gripping stories which you may enjoy.
For Hermione's explanation, you'll have to wait for the sequel, but it'll be there. The guy from Remo Williams, yeah he could be Kwan definitely.
Next chapter in 2 weeks - now the real fun begins.~Jim
dboris posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 7:41am
Hmm everything seems to be much cleared in this chapter now that I re-readed it.
Though, I wonder why they didn't think to take an enchanted and magically enhanced Chainsaw?
Also, this reminds me of Dead Rising (on XBOX 360). Great game where you have to destroy thousands of zombies with chainsaws, katanas, guns, etc.
JBern replied:
Lots and lots of Inferi. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 3-5000 in that place. I am guessing that the actual usage of a chainsaw might not live up to the hype. (Having used one to chop up roughly 80 foot of Virginia Pine that fell in my and my neighbors yard.) If it makes you feel better the trolls had enchanted spiky clubs with 50% more spiky things.
Glad you could reread and appreciate chapter 1. ~Jim
Wolfric posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 7:28am
I am enjoying this story a great deal. I await further chapters with great anticipation. Thanks, W
JBern replied:
Thanks. I appreciate the praise. Next chapter in 2 weeks.~Jim
dboris posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 7:11am
Greatly great and excellently excellent chapter.
So, back to the first chapter, then.
Though, in the last two paragraphs, I feel like you forgot to mention that they were transported:
You feel the crackle of magic that will twist you inside out and send you to a hidden city, where your destiny awaits.
Next paragraph:
You squeeze back into existence and see the shapes beginning to amble towards you.
Wouldn't something like this fit better between the last two paragraphs?
'The goblin activated a lever and pushed on some buttons and everything faded out. You feel like traveling in a Goblin cart, but at light speed.'
JBern replied:
I started to put something in there, but I thought the description in chapter 1 was adequate. It probably could have used some kind of transition, but as long as you can live with it it's cool.~Jim
a_wanderer posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 6:48am
When you released the new chapter I came back to read the first one. The writing sytle is one thing which caught my attention.
I'm having fun reading hope you are having as much fun writing.
NTP
JBern replied:
Thanks very much. I am glad you could go back and appreciate chapter 1 on another level now that you have all the missing info. Next update in 2 weeks.~Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 6:42am
Alright, I'll try to analyze the statements in this chapter again with the rest of the story in mind. You want this to make the most sense if one came from the currently last chapter of the story.
- 'You’ve been on exactly one date':
Does nothing Harry has done with Karina or Amy constitute a date? I don't remember every scene, but I thought I'd bring this up. Not having read the story, this is obviously the date with Cho.
- 'You had another girl that you were quite smitten with early in the summer, but we will cover that disaster momentarily':
I thought this meant Ginny, but you said at the end of the last chapter it means Karina. However, Karina is better referred to as a woman, not a girl. Unless you want to be deliberately obstruse here, you might want to consider changing that.
- 'Friends! That was it! You’ve still managed to keep a couple even through all this. One of them is right here with you now. The other is back in London, hopefully still raising hell':
Having not read the entire story this sounds like Luna, since she is the obvious choice considering the pairing. Having read the story, this still sounds like Luna, but you said it was Fleur. But does Fleur really raise hell? If yes, in what respect? Has this really always been Fleur, or did you only decide that somewhere along the way?
- 'You left some hair behind — wonder if they took you up on that?':
This sentence doesn't make any sense at all when first reading it, but coming back here after the last chapter, this goes a long way in integrating this 'flash-forward' chapter properly. Good job!
- Luna is not mentioned anywhere in this chapter if you discount the reference(s) that you say aren't her after all. What's up with that? Even though Harry got closure of sorts writing that last journal entry, I'd expect there still to be at least a stray thought directed at her at some point.
That is all that I can think of right now. Together, these things (except #4) do give the impression that either you did not fully account for everything that was yet to happen, or you tried to present references to both a first-time reader and someone who already looped around and did not fully succeed with getting both at once. Anyway, I'm looking forward to your reply, as well as the next chapter.
Quizer
JBern replied:
I'll take the potential plot holes one by one.
Dating - Harry considers his only true date to be him going out with Cho. With Amy he went clubbing with her and her sisters. Or they met up in private and screwed each other silly. It was group dating intermixed with sexual rendezvous.
The girl comment - Originally, Karina was closer to Harry's age along the lines of 20-21. It was only later that I changed her to be roughly 10 years older than Harry. I'll probably change it to be female instead of girl.
Friends - It was meant to be Luna, but I changed my mind along the way, when I decided that Harry and Luna's friendship needed some strife. As Fleur's character has evolved (when she first shows up in Brazil - in the original plans she never came there. I'm glad I made that change! The story would be much less without her.), she became the friend back in England and yes she can be a hell raiser if she wants to be. She knows that Bill is informing the Order that he has had Harry the whole summer. She knows the whole story from the doping with love potions to the wording of the prophecy. How much she intends to do about it is something I shall ponder.
Glad you took the time to comment. I hope my answers are satisfactory.~Jim
powellt posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 6:33am
Every time I try to think of something to say it just sounds stupid or ignorant to me, so I guess all I can say is that I'm speachless.
This story has moved to my top 3 favorite stories just after Make a Wish and A second chance at life bumping Ascension Of The Scorpion Sorcerer to number 4. If you're really curious as to what #5 is it's This Means War.
JBern replied:
Well thank you. It seems I am in good company I have a good deal of fun writing this story. Maybe it's partly that I am a sarcastic bastard with repression issues. :)
Jim
Quizer posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 6:14am
I really enjoyed this chapter. Luna's bitching through the journal is well done - such things can't be overcome by a bunch of text conversations. I'm looking forward to how that mess will resolve.
The rest of the action is also very enjoyable. You've done a good job catching up to the first chapter, although by writing a flash-forward chapter like that, before the events that happen there actually transpire, you may have set yourself up for some retroactive story mistakes. Reading your A/N in this chapter, it seems you have that issue well in hand, though. The primary two problems I had with the first chapter after reading the entire story are already answered. I'll go over it again and see if you missed something.
Quizer
JBern replied:
Thanks. I've looked at potential plot holes and there not so bad. That first chapter was written 10 months ago, not too many things changed. The Karina story arc became more involved. I was originally supposed to be back at ch 1 by ch 10 or 11, that didn't quite work out the way I planned.~Jim
Terry Swain posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 5:49am
That was a great chapter. :)
JBern replied:
Thanks. I appreciate it. Next update in 2 weeks.~Jim
PerfesserN posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 4:59am
Woooooah! Please say that you won't leave us hanging waiting for the outcome on this one. We are well and truely cliff-hung!
JBern replied:
If by hanging, you mean an update within 2 weeks, then yes I am probably leaving you hanging. Sorry, but I don't forsee an update sooner than that.~Jim
DrT posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 4:58am
I hope that by now Luna realizes she over reacted to some degree. As always, I look forward to seeing what happens next. Too bad it's all first person narrative. I'd love to see Hermione's perspective on the summer!
"T"
JBern replied:
She'll realize it eventually. Part of the problem I envisioned her having is the unwillingness to form close friendships. Our bumbling hero gave her enough ammunition to allow her to drive him off when her protective instinct kicked in.
Hermione will feature prominently in the sequel if it makes you feel better. :)
Jim
uthamm posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 4:51am
Wow. Just . . . wow. Great story - it is one of my favorites. I love the Harry that you have created - flawed, but learning in a realistic manner. I don't really care for the 'Harry woke up and realized that he could <INSERT SUPERPOWER(S) HERE>'. I like the Collins/Kwan/Thundercloud training. (I don't understand why JKR hasn't had anyone working with Harry. The HBP Harry is going to get worked by the DEs and VM - still trying to figure out how she is going to get out of this one). The way that you have handled Harry's development is one of the most realistic that I have read. You have a very insightful look into Luna. I can really see the situation that you have presented as cannon. Hoping that Luna and Harry reconcile - there aren't enough good H/L fics out there. Thanks for sharing!
JBern replied:
I hold little expectations for book 7. The only concievable thing I can think of is the power of true wuv (tm) saving him. Thank you for the review. I agree with the assessment that there aren't enough H/L fics. Of course canon Luna is rather difficult to write, hence the reason I made her normal pretending to be not all there. It seemed like more fertile ground.~Jim
MarinePotterfan posted a comment on Monday 8th January 2007 10:27am
JBern replied: