By JBern
Reviews
taxzombie posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 7:13pm
Reread this from the start to bring myself back up to speed.
Quite the angry Harry, justifiably so. I appreciate your renditions of Harry. They strike me as more beleivable. I've of a mind a person can turn the other cheek only so many times before one will say ENOUGH! and basically tell whoever it is to go to hell, and be tempted to throw a little coal on the fire while their at it.
Like the hat, mean as he is. Doesn't stand down for anyone and has no problem letting anyone know exactly how he feels.
Dumbledore is as always a piece of work, rotted work.
The revelations about Snape in this chapter make him all the more contemptable. Didn't think that was possible, congradulations on that. Why anyone likes Snape is one of the mysteries of the universe. Makes me wonder about some folks.
As to the Griffinjerks, let them stew. They went off without all the facts they deserve the results.
This is also the first time I can recall NOT liking the Weasley twins. They are coming across as both shallow and contemptable. At least that is the impression I've gotten of them. They are disappointing. I am not disappointed in the story, far from it. Just their actions.
Ron is and always has been a total putz. I've never really been happy with Harry keeping him as a friend in the books, it's not like he was loyal, hell how many times did he stab Harry in the back anyway?
Neville appears the only one that Harry can rely on. Heck, he's the only one at this point that I can see where Harry would really give a tinkers damn about. There really isn't anything or anyone else in the wizarding world for him to protect, other then Hedwig, Dobby is almost as much a liability as he is an asset and Hermione she's borderline.
Lot of emotion in your work. Justified anger I think is the best description I can come up for it.
A dang fine tale is another.
JBern replied:
One of the best compliments a reader can give is leaving a long review and telling the writer that his or her work evoked emotions on the readers part. To make someone laugh, smile, get frustrated, or even angry is the praise that really makes writing worthwhile.
Thanks. Next chapter before Xmas, need to get back to TML.~Jim
Ivan Cantaros posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 7:05pm
very nice! keep it up!
JBern replied:
Thanks! Next chapter before Xmas.~Jim
Prince Charon posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 7:05pm
Interesting. Very, very interesting. I wonder if Rita's error will change how Molly (and Ginny, for that matter) thinks of her.
Thank you for the update.
More soon, please.
JBern replied:
I wouldn't count on it. I've already got readers pestering me on what Molly's howler should sound like. Next chapter before Xmas.~Jim
Kortir posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 6:46pm
Oddly enough, I had just been thinking as I started reading the author notes that this chapter made it exceptionally easy for me to get back into reading this story, so consider it a job well done. Usually I have to read a chapter or two back in order to get a feel for what the heck I was reading in the first place, and it wasn't necessary here.
Nice scenes with the hat and all. The overall total change in format of the tournament is a bit odd, but I like the hat-as-faculty-advisor bit. Very effectively done. The press conference, of course, is well put together, and Harry's overall reaction and demeanor are key elements of the chapter. He seems almost like he's just going through the motions in a way, yet the story is taken in a unique and interesting direction -because- of that. Overall, a lot that worked very well in this chapter. Very nicely done!
JBern replied:
Thank you. I and my helpers at AFC put a lot of work into making sure I returned "strong" to this story. Between this site and ff.net I already have close to 150 reviews in less that 24 hours. Very few authors outside of this site get those kind of numbers.
The tournament in the real book 4 was just a plot device to facilitate the return of Voldemort. Just looking at the tournament w/o that makes it seem a bit dull. 3 tasks, only 1 visible to the crowd stretched over a 9-10 month period. Sounds a bit dull doesn't it? There should have been more reporters than just Skeeter. There should be more inter-school interaction. To me it worked, but only as long as you didn't stop and think about how JKR set up the tournament.~JIm
dave84768768 posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 5:31pm
You are a completly evil author, but it is a work of genius. Normally I'll not read stories that bash the characters as much as you do, but you do it so well that I cannot do anything other than read and applaud your work. Hope to see the next installment soon, but recognise that quality work like your's cannot be rushed.
Again, Very Well Done.
JBern replied:
When character bashing takes becomes tired and worn is when I lose interest. I've got plenty of people helping me develop the story to keep an eye on if I'm getting to angsty. The next chapter will be out before Xmas. I must get back to Turn Me Loose first.~Jim
wertyo posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 5:04pm
That was the best Rita Skeeter I have ever seen.
theres nothing else i can really say except for the things you normally get like 'Great job!' 'Nice' and 'UPd8 s0ON!1!1one!'
JBern replied:
Thanks for the Rita compliment.~Jim
dc1 posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 4:57pm
let me say first off, this did not suck. now that's out of the way, i really enjoyed it, even more than the last chapter of this story. it was nice to see ron get a blast. anyone with a brain would sort their friend out if he/she was being as much a tool as ron normally is.
i am really looking forward to the broom race and the duelling aspects of the tournament, it promises so much fun. the snape backstory was nicely done and also promises much revenge to be had for any non-slytherin.
it would be great if you could write a massive scene where the gryff house ends up with egg on their face. their behavious is just begging for proper humiliation.
keep up the good work.
dc1
JBern replied:
If I get what I'm aiming for it'll be NASCAR on broomsticks. We'll see how well I can pull it off.~Jim
Orion posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 4:47pm
Another great chapter - i loved the 2 per school twist, and teams too . . .
Also, for all you more recent readers of Harry Potter, there was a time prior to book (5 I beleive?) that Ginny did not have an official full name. Virginia was commonly chosen prior to that.
I know one of my old fics has Molly yelling "Virginia Molly Weasley!" when she was in trouble.
JBern replied:
Like I said in one of the replies above. The tournament in GoF was a mere plot device to facilitate the return of Voldy. Stripped of that it doesn't look all that interesting when you think about the tasks and how 2 of them weren't even done in front of the audience. Not really a spectator sport.
I just wanted to head off any "Her name isn't Virginia!" reviews. In Darkness, I had her make a similar mistake with Ron's name. I believe she called him Roland instead of Ronald. Thanks for the review.~Jim
Sonicdale posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 4:45pm
wow.
Great story.
I like:
The Hat. That's it's name and since it's Harry's advisor, I'm glad to see that the Hat can be serious at times. When it took McG to task, that was brilliant.
I also enjoyed the bits of Quidditch. I hope we can see more. Maybe the flying/racing competition.
The relationship stuff. Nice. Having to balance Harry and James personalities on one's mind can't be easy. I like the interplay there.
Skeeter. She's gonna get her comeuppance.
Ron. Very applicable that Harry ripped him a new one. Maybe he'll pull his head out.
Hermione. She's not quite at the forefront as she is in most fanfics.
I also liked the partial bitchslap you gave to the plethora of "redo" fics out there. First, you have the Tournament all over again- and it's not a rehash of Book 4. Thanks for that. Then you have in the narrative the brilliant line that went something like "ever wish to go back and do it all over again? It isn't all that fun, all over again." Nice bit of reality there.
I also like that Harry's skills aren't exactly perfect. This isn't a "Super!Harry" fic, he's flawed, just like any other fourteen year-old with his father's memories and personality magically tatooed to the inside of his medulla oblongata...
Wow. That's a nice sentence. :)
I've read several of your other fics. This one has a nice tone to it... maybe because Harry is trying to balance this out on his own instead of A) running to Hermione and the Hogwarts library to figure it out or B) asking for help from Dumbledore or C) finding some magical miracle.
Lastly, I like that the few true friends Harry has have put the plot and the story right into a new category. I've not seen Harry working in the infirmary before (nice bits with him 'treating' students) and I like that Ollie and Penny are becoming more real.
Good work all around. Sorry about the length of this review and that I haven't written more on the end of each chapter.
Keep up the good work.
JBern replied:
Thank you for the compliments and the long review. I have plans for Hermione that will probably keep her on the periphery of this story. The next chapter should be out before Xmas as I turn my attention back to TML chapter 4.
In making HJ, I tried to make him an evolving character. He struggles with the memories of James strutting around like he owned the school. Most everybody loved him and he was a golden boy. Now, whatever he seems to do, he runs into complications. He's got knowledge he shouldn't. He knows the prophecy. He knows Dumbledore isn't doing a damn thing to help him.
Unlike Bungle/TML Harry, he has no support system. The Hat and Ollie know his secret. He doesn't trust anyone else enough with that knowledge.
Hope that makes sense.~Jim
Musings of Apathy posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 4:33pm
Thank you for this chapter, Jim. It was excellent. I look forward to seeing the tasks, especially the duels with Fleur. I also look forward to seeing how those two eventually mesh. Good fun coming up, I suspect.
Thank you for writing.
Mike (MoA)
JBern replied:
Thanks Mike. I want a relationship that grows in time and becomes believable without a potion or the words "Veela Mate" and "bonded" used. If your looking for some kind of sappy breakthrough in the next 5-10 chapters don't hold your breath.~Jim
silverleafhp posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 4:27pm
Others may not agree with me Jbern, but I honestly think that this is your best HP fanfiction.
The premise is unique and very promising. I admit that I am very curious on how Harry and Fluer may get together, seeing as how they despise each other at the moment.
However, more than anything else it's nice to see Harry not being the overly nice boy that we constantly see in almost every HP fic.
Although, I can see you eventually haveing Harry either forgive Lupin or at the least ignore the fact that he slept with Lilly. I really hope you don't do that, as I am probably one of the very few that despise Lupin, totally. Afterall, if he was such a great friend to James...where was he for the 11 or so years before Harry's third year, and would he of even come around at all if Dumbledore hadn't talked him into teaching for the sole purpose of helping catch Sirus.
I like that you are changing everything up in the tournament, and the idea that the other schools got to get extra champions makes much more since than cannon does. JK, just never thought about those things, and it always bothered me to no end.
As usual the Hat, next to Harry is my favorite character in this fic and just makes it worthwild to see what you have it come up with.
Also nice to see you are not pandering to the whole "Snape is just missunderstood, with his love for Lilly thing". I am sorry, but I honestly belive that was put in the books so JK could pander to fan girls (along with the epiloge"
It would be nice to see all the other newspapers completly trash what Rita said in her article. Not nessesarily to vindicate Harry, but to prove a point about shoddy reporting. After all they all saw what Harry said to her, and can undoubtably refute most of her stuff.
I am also very pleased that you aren't making Victor overly nice. This presents an intriguing possiblility if he still asks Hermione to the ball. I can see Harry and Hermione's friendship losing even more traction if that happens.
On Ron, I don't think Harry is just going to forgive him so easily this time. And I hope Angie, Alicia, Katie, Fred and George have to eat crow some time or another. ALthough it does seem that you are setting them up for that a little bit already, and I can't wait to see it.
Anway, sorry for the long review, it's just my hope that we get a little quicker updates on this one now that your through with the other one.
JBern replied:
I try to make people rethink which story of mine they like the best with every new chapter. It's a point of pride on my part.
Fleur and HJ's interaction will continue, she probably won't take him seriously until the first time HJ duels. Still trying to decide if she's his first opponent or Krum. Either way, it should be interesting.
Like I said in the above reply, I'm trying my best to make HJ a complex character. He's clearly frustrated. Think about your life and the things you are used to. Imagine them taken away. Imagine knowing a horrible secret that you're too scared to share with anyone. Imagine all of this eating at you while someone's out to get you.~Jim
david abbey1 posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 4:18pm
Hey Jim,
well there's another chapter done. the story is progressing nicely and getting interesting, or even more interesting i should say. a couple of questions though. are you going to have HJ break with Ron completely? rubbing the fact that Ron's rat helped killed his parents is just the thing to send Ron and by extension the whole weasely family screaming off the edge.is Ron going to be teaming up with malfoy and the twins for a little Potter bashing?
second, how far are you going to isolate HJ from his peers? should he start worrying about blanket party's from the 6th and 7th years? no matter how good he is at magic there's always someone better than you and harry can't be awake all the time.
after reading your news bulletin on your home page,( thanks for keeping us informed, btw!) when you finally do publish we'll be there. and i have no doubt you will publish, be it with baen or some other house. your writing is just that good.
looking forward to the next chapter.
bigD
JBern replied:
Hard to believe that this is a medium sized review in contrast to the other ones people are posting. Looks like this chapter was highly anticipated and managed to strike a chord with the readers.
I'd never seen Scabbers used against Ron like that. It interested me, so I went with it. Never scene a Hogwarts blanket party either...that sounds...interesting.
I appreciate the vote of confidence on my writing, but I'll be starting off with small independent publishers. With some success in that arena, hopefully I will attract the attention of one of the big 6, but I'd rather not spend the next few months getting a manuscript together only to play the waiting game while shopping for either an agent or publisher.
A successful small independent book sells more than a couple of thousand copies. A very successful one sells 5000, it might be enough to warrant a blip on peoples radars.~Jim
FULLMETAL posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 3:58pm
To say that you write a great and convincing Rita Skitter, is an understatement my friend. Great Chapter! Also, I'm so looking forward to seeing how you hook Harry up with Fleur! Talk about getting off on the wrong foot.
JBern replied:
Well, two wrongs can make a right, but don't look for it anytime soon.~Jim
stuart posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 2:43pm
Im glad you got back to this story!! That was an excellant introduction to Fluer, I do wonder if Miss Beaucourt will have the same friends? The article was in good "skeeter" form; the hat, outstanding, I find myself looking forward to what he will reveal next, Godric's diddling, brilliant. Cheers
(This shameless stroking of ego is a blatant attempt to get a bonus chapter due to the lack of quality reading material currently available!!)
JBern replied:
No bonus chapter, I'm headed back to TML after I get caught up on review replies. The next chapter of this one will be before Xmas.~Jim
CosmosGravitation posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 2:24pm
This story is great. It's driven by its high level of character conflict but you don't let the conflict drown out the characters themselves as happens in so many other fics.
The first person is well done, and drives home why it's my favorite pov. Introspection, with the chance to deliver lines most decent people would never say out loud. It really puts one in the mind of the character.
I know I've suggested this before, but you should really read Jim Butcher's Dresdon Files series. Every writer worth his salt will always point out that you should be reading other talented writers stuff to continue to improve as a writer. I get the same vibe reading this story that I do from his stories since your writing styles are similar. Action, witty humor, emphasis on characterization. Butchers, of course, is a published work so it has more polish. The Dresdon Files are in first person and about another modern day wizard by the name of Harry. Seriously, get them from your local library system... you won't regret it.
I always wondered why Barty Crouch Jr. let Harry keep the Marauders map in canon. I mean, one glance at the map while "Moody" was in view and Harry would have to know something wasn't right. Oh well, one more thing JKR did that doesn't make sense. I'm thinking the Maruaders map as verification of Moody's identity will occur to this Harry.
Harry and Fleur are off to a rocky start, but that's way better then them hitting it off right away. I can't stand stories without conflict. Looking forward to where you're going with them and the plot in general.
Hermione seems to be coming around to Harry at least. Wonder if Ron will follow. I'm not betting on it.
The censure was a great addition. Really drives home how seperated Harry now is even from his own house. I hope he unleashes hell on the Weasley twins. I can't stand them.
I'm curious as to what you're going to do with the ten tasks. You have them all detailed already I bet huh?
I wonder how Harry is going to get the Sarah Underhill information out to Flitwick and the Ravenclaws indirectly.
Still, as good as this chapter and story is, I feel obligated to point out...as I point out to pretty much every author and chapter I've ever reviewed... the chapter would have been more enjoyable with more detail. The dialogue is excellent, but I'd love to know more above the characters physical reactions such as posture and facial expressions.
Anyway, looking forward to the next update. Keep up the good work. And read the Dresdon Files!
JBern replied:
I barely have time to read any fanfics much less a book series. One of these day's I'll give Dresden a chance, but not anytime soon. Until then, I continue to develop my style not by aping others, but by working with the folks I've brought into my section of Alpha Fight Club, seeing what works with them and what doesn't. For instance, the Hat and McGonagall scene struggled through the early versions. IP82 kept offering me suggestions and criticsm until I went back and reexamined the whole thing. Prior to that the Hat was much more vulgar and it wasn't working. ChuckdaTruck came in with some commentary along with others and that steered me towards the Hat attacking McG where it would sting her the most. The first draft of the chapter looks like a very poor imitation when held up against the final product.
Between AFC and working with the other authors on this forum is how I plan to refine my style. If you look at the JBern webpage, you'll see I'm working with coauthors on novel length ideas. More specifically I'm working with 3 different people. Some of these I could probably carry on my own, but seeing how they mark up what I write and how they present it differently in a rewrite is to me much more effective than reading some one else.
To me it's all about momentum. If I'm working with a coauthor and seeing what he or she is doing, I'm still in the world we are trying to develop. I'm progressing towards my goal of publication. I have no doubt reading Butcher would be vastly entertaining, but it doesn't push me towards my goal.
I don't have all the tasks picked yet. I have a several diagramed out, but not all.~Jim
DobbyElfLord posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 2:15pm
Hi Jim,
I loved the chapter. I read it at work today during lunch and I was laughing in my office. I loved the confrontation with Fleur and the censure issue in Gryffindor. You can have a lot of fun with that.
Great chapter again and I look forward to the next one!
Rick
JBern replied:
Thaks Rick. As always it's nice to get some kudos from people who's work I really enjoy as well.~Jim
joeBob posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 2:02pm
Yay, an update!
But, McGonagall as a "brick in the wall"?! SHAME on you! ;-)
Still, that was a fun-tabulous chapter, thank you.
James should be savvy enough to see that Skeeter has libeled him in a clearly provable way. He should trounce her in court.
Hopefully James figures that Peter is the only plausible way that "Moody" could know about the map? Challenge yourself and unmask Crouch Jr. before he can make that portkey.
JBern replied:
So far you're the only one who caught the Pink Floyd reference of McG being a brick in the wall or at least the only one that has acknowledged it. Points for you!!!
Libel probably doesn't work that way in the wizarding world. Plus Rita's article is vague enough and laced with enough truth that it'd be tough to prove. I actually think he would fail in a court proceeding. She questions his mental health and points out that he was exposed to a curse known for causing mental disabilities. He's allowed special tutoring thus showing favoritism from Dumbledore. There was an incident with a flying car in year 2. From a neutral and objective standpoint Harry Potter could easily look like an attention seeking boy who is impulsive and rash.
Otherwise, how would the tabloids in the real world stay in business? Sure they get sued now and again, but none of them ever shut down do they?
Give HJ some credit. He's not canon Harry.~Jim
morriganscrow posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 1:28pm
Great chapter J! Or should that be Mr.Bern?
The little 'mistake' with Ginny's name was a perfect comment on Skeeter. You do indeed write her well.
The censure idea was excellent too, and underlines the negative side of the Gryffindor personality.
I was pleased to see this story back, as it, like all your writings, is one of my favorites.
JBern replied:
I did the same thing in Darkness with Rita calling Ronald "Roland". Thanks for the compliements.~Jim
Cuey posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 1:18pm
Great chapter Jim. Don't worry, the only sucking I can possibly see happening in this story involves Fleur and a broom closet. ;)
JBern replied:
Don't look for that anytime soon. I predict a rocky road...~Jim
bigzj51 posted a comment on Wednesday 28th November 2007 8:10pm
JBern replied: